4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014
Me: Why do you have a fork in your pocket? 4-year-old: Why don’t you have a fork in your pocket? Me: *takes a hard look at my life*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2014
Me: Why do you want to watch “Frozen” again? You know exactly how it ends. 4-year-old: This time might be different.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014
4-year-old: *slaps my cheek* Me: Ow! Why’d you hit me? 4: I was clapping with your face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2014
Me: I’ve always been smooth with the ladies. Wife: On our third date, you locked your finger in the car door. Guess who got pity sex.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/30/14: pic.twitter.com/i8cdLo1RRg
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 15, 2014