If murder deserves a punishment, then not committing it deserves a reward. I should get a parade for all the stupid people I spared today.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2014
Nothing says “denial” like a bald guy with a ponytail.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2014
Me: Wow. Barbie’s vagina is huge Wife: Her torso is backward. That’s her butt crack And that’s how I got out of playing dolls with my kids
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2014
A couple on “House Hunters” said 6,000 sq. ft. was too small. Growing up my mom had to convince my brother it was fun to sleep in the closet
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2014
Me: I need a birth certificate for my kid Clerk: You have kids? Me: Yep Clerk: Really? Me: YES I HAD SEX Clerk: Let’s agree to disagree
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2014
My house is 1,400 square feet and the biggest place I’ve ever lived in, so I have little sympathy for the house hunters.