The only bad time for cheese is SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH THERE IS NO BAD TIME.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2014
Second marriages: because every good horror movie deserves a sequel
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2014
Sorry I got blackout drunk in front of everyone but in my defense it was a really boring preschool graduation.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2014
Me: Don’t wipe your dirty hands on your shirt. 2-year-old: OK. *wipes her dirty hands on my shirt*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2014
It’s weird how, when I say it, “I got this” sounds exactly like “everybody watch while I fuck up everything.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2014