Wife: Have you been drinking? Me: Wait, you haven’t been? Apparently we have very different ideas about how to chaperon this field trip.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014
I wanted to get a card for my wife, but Hallmark doesn’t make any that say, “Sorry my continued existence annoys you.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014
The ultimate paradox: Women are never wrong. Weather forecasts are never right. Explain yourselves, weather girls.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014
It’s not really a bad breakup until you need a shovel and an alibi.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014
My new workout regimen is to walk around shirtless and hope that shame burns calories.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2014