A Champion for Chocolate

I read an article that said chocolate might not exist by the year 2020 because the demand exceeds the supply. This, to me, is a terrifying thought. However, before you panic, know that I found this article on the sidebar of the TMZ website, so who knows if it’s true or not. But just in case, I have pondered this potential problem, and I do believe I have come up with some solutions that might delay or even eliminate the demise of chocolate for generations to come.

By: slgckgc
  1. Hoard all the Cadbury Easter Bunnies starting this year
  2. Since oil prices are stable at the present, convert petroleum engineers into chocolate engineers. This is their time to shine especially if they come up with a chocolate supply that is delicious, fat free and never ending.
  3. Chocolate companies must stop making chocolate so cute. Instead of the endearing Hershey Kisses we have now, make the Kisses in the shape of poop or rats or Donald Trump–you know–something gross. This could deter people from consuming our dwindling delicacy.
  4. I hate to go here but de-legalize marijuana everywhere.  Let’s face facts. Pot brownies are a staple of the marijuana-smoking crowd, and not to point fingers, but they might be responsible for our depleting supply.
  5. Start pushing vanilla. The vanilla bean is tasty, and it’s adorable too. Let’s make it a star. It could be the new faux-chocolate.
  6. Start a negative campaign that would be associated with chocolate such as chocolate gives you Chlamydia. I think this could make people turn to other flavors.  No one wants Chlamydia.
  7. Find a substitution that will satisfy the emotional void that only chocolate fills for so many women. Instead of reaching for a candy bar they can reach for…Ryan Gosling robots…yes, that could work indeed.
  8. Nothing gets the public going like a ribbon magnet. So, we can sell chocolate bar ribbon magnets and stick them on our cars as a reminder that we need to find an answer to this crisis.
  9. We can get a Hollywood spokesperson to do one of those guilt-ridden commercials about the slow demise of chocolate. For $19 a month, we can all save chocolate.  This is where a cute Hershey Kiss would come in handy. We can have a little Kiss looking sad and alone, and I guarantee tons of people will sign up for a monthly automatic withdrawal from their checking account to Save the Kiss.
  10. While we are on the Hollywood angle: Have some A-List stars address the plight of chocolate in their Emmy and Oscar-winning speeches. This new cause célèbre will complement the Free Tibet, Save the Whales and Muslims Need Love Too speeches that always make these events magical.


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9 thoughts on “A Champion for Chocolate”

  1. A mockolate effigy of Ryan Gosling. You’re welcome ladies and I don’t have any letters after my name either.

  2. I’m proud to announce that my newly founded company will soon be marketing both milk chocolate and dark chocolate versions of Ryan Gosling.

  3. I don’t think vanilla will turn heads like chocolate. A vanilla bean is too skinny and everyone hates skinny things. I like the Chlamydia idea, but geez that’s so hard to spell, could we just say “the clap?” Just so you know, I will do whatever it takes to save chocolate. Count me in!

  4. According to various source, National Chocolate Day is celebrated on October 28th this year. Apparently some people couldn’t wait for October, though, so they celebrated National Chocolate day on July 7th. I’m a little miffed, to be honest. Nobody told me about it and nobody I know celebrated it. We need to start recognizing that chocolate must be honored! Yes, let’s get a spokesperson. The first person who comes to mind is Chaka Khan, mostly because her name sounds kind of chocolatey, but also because her skin is kind of chocolatey, too. Let’s start a campaign!

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