Classroom Comedy: Student Slips & Quips

"Victims of tanning bed fatalities have to cope with their disfigurements and diseases."
“Victims of tanning bed fatalities have to cope with their disfigurements and diseases.”

(Collected from freshman essays)

Errors That Are Almost Right, Maybe Even Should Be Right

One negative aspect of a credit card is that it is too easy to abuse. It gives one free excess to credit.

Alicia wants to stay in Little Rock and work, but her boyfriend wants to move to Memphis after marring her.

From that point on in my lifetime, I have tired to listen to my elders.

I had three seconds for one last shot, but I lost the ball out of bounce.

Children are often razed by themselves.

Absence does not make the heart grow founder.

One girl stuck her hand through a window pain.

An individual should be cautious when viewing TV ads and not believe all that he sees. Therefore he should be very weary while watching the commercials.

When Dr. Warrington removed the gauze, I was praying I would not have any scares.

Although currently the United States Armed Forces are recruiting many men and women, some may argue that the country should implement a constriction.

The whole way out to the Cumberland bluffs I was bragging on how great I was at repelling.

I make sure I am always available when we have get-to-gathers.

My audience is next year’s oncoming freshmen.

In my faith there are rules for what can be considered appropriate in attire. It can be anything from a modest-length skirt to a neckline that is not too reveling.

After a few too many beers, I made the mistake of asking her to go watch the submarine races. She said she would love to go, so we hoped in my car.

More minority babies than minority families are available for adoption. Some may think this is not ethnical, but a family that cares and loves a child is better than no family at all.

A study shows that educable mentally retarded students are usually excepted by other children as consistently as normal children.

Mondale uses the commercial to make Reagan look like some sort of war mongrel.

White states, “The Supreme Court justices ruled in 1879 that the free exercise clause of the First Amendment did not protect the Mormon practice of polygamy.” Of course the morons who do practice polygamy would disagree and so would I.

Logic Problems and Word Misunderstandings

John Wilkes Booth escaped that night after his fatal leap to the stage.

Booth did in fact die sometime after the assassination and was then chased and killed by federal officers.

Mario Lanza once enjoyed a 23-egg omelet for breakfast. He died of a heart attack at 38, after which he dropped, on at least one occasion, 100 of his 270 pounds.

A long time ago, around 2000 B.C., people thought of Christmas as a time to celebrate the day on which Christ was born.

The drive from here to Charlotte is about two and a half hours by plane. From Charlotte she then takes a train to California, which takes six hours by plane.

Though I cannot say for certain, I’m sure I wouldn’t be the same person I am today if I hadn’t traveled.

A boy in a family of all girls shows more dominance and confidence.

My strength as a writer is that I can put words in ideas.

The easiest and most common trick for the elephant to learn is riding people.

The people who have told me of such dreams have been both male and female.

The clinic has been successful in lowering the number of unwanted pregnancies and in diagnosing other sexually transmitted diseases.

It was discovered by Dr. Joan Bauram and Dr. Robert Kolodny that only 12 percent of non-female pot smokers had defective menstrual cycles.

Most people feel lucky to just be living under a house with clothing and food.

Possibly Risqué Errors

Your back should be straight with the muscles in the neck and shoulders relaxed for an enjoyable jog. The head should be in a normal erotic position.

It is possible that high blood pressure can be lowered by being erect.

And let’s not forget dating. You always meet guys you like to date, but how do you fit them in?

For the perfect kiss, I like to put my arms around the guy’s neck and let him put his arms around my waste.

No one has business being bored unless they sin in their room all day.

Men, in fact, do the craziest things when their emotions are propelled into a woman.

Historical and Biblical examples of homosexual relationships indicate that homosexuality has penetrated the fortress of opponents of gay marriage.

I was ready to bat, so I took my usual hitting stance slightly crotched.

Kelly really got around. I mean she did not care whom it was with. One night she even made it with four different boys. This girl did not mess around.

By now the roads were completely frozen over and I was overjoyed. Spinning out and sliding my tail end around was very exciting to me.

Col. Hackworth believes male bondage is what makes military units work together.

Tied to the front bumper of his jeep, he had a wench.

In another scene of this ad, we see a lady washing her clothes in a laundromat. Then a man shows up and tries to get her tied, and she gets violent with him.

Old-fashioned, rigid doctors firmly believed that sex doesn’t matter when a person reaches old age.

Venereal disease is becoming a problem all over the U.S. because health officials can’t do it by themselves.

My essay’s purpose is to warn my audience about the dangers of cutting corners and the humiliating reproductions that could follow.

If the wreck brings harm to you, you have to go to the hospital to get yourself fixed.

As I recall, I was in my dad’s office going through his drawers when I found a most curious instrument that I had never seen before.

Missing Words

There don’t have to be a lot of people present for you to screw and get an interesting nickname.
[screw up]

Driving your nuts is an easy yet fun activity.
[Driving your teacher nuts]

[Dear students: Thank you for driving me nuts for 30 years. It was a privilege and a lot of fun.]

* Photo image originally posted to Flickr by Evil Erin (obtained from Wikimedia)

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6 thoughts on “Classroom Comedy: Student Slips & Quips”

  1. Ah the old sexually transmitted disease known as pregnancy! I think I would have done your job for free, just to read this stuff.

    1. If you’d done my job, you might be different, and nobody wants you to be different. We like you just the way you are.

  2. Bill…I was enjoying your comments so much on other posts, that I searched for your last post.I can barely see through my tears of laughter to write how great it is that you kept all this fodder. My husband is wondering why I am laughing, as I just about murdered an insurance company employee on the phone less than a minute ago. Thanks for changing my mood! You are a force for god (that was on purpose, just for you!).

    1. As sensitive and as nice as you are, I can see why you’re in such demand as a caregiver. I’m glad you laughed, especially if it kept you from homicide. I really appreciate the playfulness of your last sentence as you knew I would. HumorOutcasts is a great playground, and I feel very fortunate to have been allowed to join it.

    1. Glad you enjoyed them. I marvel at how there’s a certain genius to some of these mistakes.

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