Post-Traumatic Easy Bake Oven Disorder | HumorOutcasts

Post-Traumatic Easy Bake Oven Disorder

December 17, 2015

easybakeovenWhat’s your favorite horrible holiday childhood memory?

One of my cherished unpleasant flashbacks arrive every year during Thanksgiving.

First, a few facts:

 I was born a few days after Thanksgiving Day in 1961.

 At birth, I weighed just over 11 pounds.

 Butterball Turkeys were at the height of their popularity.

 I had six older brothers and sisters.

 They were evil.

One of my earliest childhood memories was waking up from a nap and looking out through a tiny window from the inside of my sisters Easy Bake Oven. My feet had been tied with string and my arms tucked under my legs. One of my brothers had smeared butter all over my head, belly and diapers. They seasoned me with salt and peppered.

 My sister insisted that a big fat pink baby turkey like me needed to bake for days. Just turn on the heat and forget about it until you can smell it.

And that’s exactly what they did.

 My dad found me later that evening, still in the oven, being kept nice and warm by the 40 Watt light bulb Easy Bake Ovens used. He could also smell the stuffing in my diapers.

 That Christmas I spent a day at the Post Office in a box addressed to the North Pole. Compliments of my siblings. Postal workers grew suspicious since everyone knew that Santa didn’t have a Return Department and the green paper tree car air freshener that was glued to the outside of the box seemed a little out-of-place.

What great horrible holiday memories do you have?


Mike Cyra

Mike Cyra is the author of two #1 bestselling medical humor eBooks: "Emergency Laughter: It Wasn’t Funny When It Happened, But it is Now!" (2011) And "Emergency Laughter: Stories of Humor Inside Ambulances and Operating Rooms." (2015) He's also a contributing author of "My Funny Major Medical," and an award winning writer in the (completely serious), Dying Matters Coalition book: "Final Chapters: Writing About The End of Life." Mike spent 20-years working in Emergency Medicine & Surgery as a Surgical Technologist, a Medic sailing Alaska’s Bering Sea, an Emergency Medical Technician, and an Instructor of Basic Life Support and Maritime Emergency Medicine. Check out Emergency Laughter: Mike lives in Seattle, Washington

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2 Responses to Post-Traumatic Easy Bake Oven Disorder

  1. December 17, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    I have to say I am impressed you became a medical guy helping people instead of a serial killer. I hope you at least guilt the satanic sibling crew when you can! 🙂

    • December 17, 2015 at 9:59 pm

      Well, I did have a little problem with tootsie rolls and matches…BUT I GOT HELP FOR THAT!

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