Shark Can’t Wait to Be Reunited With Surfer After Attack | HumorOutcasts

Shark Can’t Wait to Be Reunited With Surfer After Attack

May 29, 2015


Photo by San Diego shooter / CC BY

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. – A tasty wave rising above the horizon was just too much to resist for a local surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack three days ago. “I’m not going to let a little thing like losing an arm keep me out of shark infested waters” exclaimed the gutsy teen. “My first thought after the attack was ‘am I gonna be able to surf again? And then, yeah, I thought about how much missing an arm was gonna suck, but I mean, I gotta get back on that board, man!”

She wasn’t the only one anxious for another go-round. In an interview with the Fort Lauderdale Daily News, the unidentified shark expressed a very real interest in getting a shot at the second course.

“Hey, I’m all for it” mused the shark, “the first arm was tasty. I could go for another” adding, “there’s nothing I appreciate more than a fearless kid with a sense of determination. Well, that, and a juicy thigh, you know?”

Lacey Petersons, 16, was surfing in shallow waters at a local beach last week when she noticed a stingray jumping above the surf. Undaunted by the possibility of being stung, she went in further. Moments later, she felt a tug at her arm followed by razor sharp teeth, excruciating pain and a gnarly amount of blood.

“I went into shock. The whole thing sort of happened in slow motion. I mean, it was like ‘stingray, whoa, whatevs, youthful invincibility, what the…holy shit, shark, ow, where’s my freaking arm, wow, that’s a lot of blood, why is everything going dark all of a sudden, will I be able to surf again, it’s Taco Tuesday over at Taco Hut, oh wow, my arm is gone…’just like that” the teen explained.

For his part, the shark was unapologetic. “Hey, you know, these things build character. I mean, look, this only happens like what, 50 – 70 times a year all over the world? Not for nothin’ I usually show a lot of restraint. But every now and then…I mean I’m only human.”

At press time, Petersons was in negotiations with a major motion picture production company to star in a docudrama of the attack, citing this as a once in a lifetime opportunity that she’d give an arm for. Although, if the shark has his way, it’ll be a twice in a lifetime opportunity.

Linda Roy

Linda Roy is a humorist, writer, musician living in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. Her blog elleroy was here is a mix of humor and music she refers to as "funny with a soundtrack". She is Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief at the politics & pop culture website Lefty Pop and was named one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year for 2014. Her work has appeared at The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Aiming Low, Funny Not Slutty, Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Mamapedia, Sprocket Ink, The Weeklings, and BonBon Break. She's the female Larry David, and will criticize your parallel parking to prove it. When she's not snarking and kvetching, she's fronting the Indie/Americana band Jehova Waitresses.

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4 Responses to Shark Can’t Wait to Be Reunited With Surfer After Attack

  1. Deb Martin-Webster
    May 31, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    LOL! Funny stuff Linda!

  2. May 30, 2015 at 2:35 pm

    Great stuff here!

  3. May 29, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    I eat shark tacos whenever I can because sharks will eat me whenever they can. It’s only fair.

  4. May 29, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    Funny piece, Linda! Nice work.

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