You can spend a lifetime figuring out who you really are. At 60, I’m finally closing in on the truth. At the very least, I know who I’m not. I’ve noticed that the media loves to sum people up with just two words. Like “Internet billionaire.” Or “Famous chef.”
I recently began collecting some sobriquets that will never be used to describe me. For good or ill, I’m never going to be a:
Deranged genius
Renowned adventurer
Disgraced cyclist
Superstar swimmer
Serial sexter
Legendary anchorman
Pharma megamillionaire
Pop icon
Clueless banker.
Megawatt Star
Doomed aviatrix
Urban gardener
Luv guv
Transgender futurist
Adulterous multimillionaire
Florida socialite
Republican megadonor
Youtube pioneer, or
Blonde chanteuse
Of course, when it comes to a few of these, I do come close. Blonde Chanteuse? I am (with salon assistance) a blonde. And the toddlers who attend Storytime at the library where I work adore my rendition of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”
And while I’m not exactly a Superstar Swimmer, I’m still in the pool every day, executing my plodding but consistent breast stroke.
Disgraced Cyclist? No thanks. I don’t need performance enhancing drugs to enjoy a ride around the neighborhood on my one-speeder.
The truth is that I’m happy with who I am: a Good Mom, Retired Attorney, Published Writer and Part-time Librarian.
Although there’s still hope that, one of these days, “Lottery winner,“ or even “Pulitzer-winner” might apply. (Perhaps I should add “Incurable optimist” to that list?)
What about you? If you could describe yourself to the world with just two words, what would they be? Amazing mom? Stellar wit? Fantastic lover?
(Of course, if you’re having a bad day, you might want to go with “Exploited wage-slave,“ “Problem drinker“ or “Unhappy home-maker.”)
Go for it! Share your two words in the Comments Section. Be as honest (or as delusional) as you want. Here’s your chance to establish yourself as a “Piccolo virtuoso,” “Investment whiz” “Unsung genius” or “World-class bodybuilder.”
As for me? I‘m going with “Sexy librarian.”
(This essay first appeared on Womens Voices For Change)
For some reason, my ex-boyfriends have called me the following:
Lunatic fringe
Crazy lady
Space cadet
Evil genius
Sex monkey
Go figure, right?
Anyone who says “Itsy Bitsy Spider” is not an ode to the fundamental theorem of calculus is right.
GPS needer
cookie junkie
patient publisher (what do you think?) 🙂
Donna, for you I propose
humor helper
laughter launcher
chuckle champion
fun one.
Some additions for Donna:
giggle guru
jocularity jockey
wit wonk
mirth monger
comedy caster
You know Bill, my family has words for me too. None are quite as nice!!!
I second these! 🙂
Opera star
Bestselling author
Prizewinning humorist
Funny Woman
Eccentric genius (in my dreams!)
mathematically challenged humorist
These are great! I was teasing on FB. I’ll just use the legal term hubby uses for me: sui generis.
Awww. That’s adorable. And I’m a retired lawyer, so I know.
Trailing spouse.