Midwest weather update: My snowman just froze to death.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2015
Me: Why don’t you listen to me? 4-year-old: You don’t have enough dragons. Me: Dragons aren’t real. 4: Not my problem.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2015
Me: Do you know why your mom is mad? 4-year-old: Is it because she married you?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2015
4-year-old: *listens to the radio* Why did he say he loves booty? Me: 4: Me: He’s really into pirate treasure.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2015
Marriage status: My wife knows exactly how much my life insurance policy is worth.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2015
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/17/14: pic.twitter.com/gg8pmgMhu0
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) December 9, 2014