A New Second Amendment

It is no secret that so many of our woes would be eliminated if we just deleted the second amendment which some people interpret as the right to bear arms–not limb arms or grizzly arms but gun arms. I thought I should be specific since a lot of people seem to not understand this amendment. I am not going to argue this point of interpretation since my New Amendment plan will erase the entire present second amendment making your argument pointless anyway. This is not as radical an idea as you might think. We deleted the 18th amendment that banned alcohol and added the 21st amendment that brought it back (thank God!). So, let’s do a little constitution cleaning out and see how we can make all our lives a little safer and a little nicer.

• The New Second Amendment will allow for the legalization of pot throughout the country. Why? Because you will all need to be a bit more mellow before you read and agree to the rest of this list.
• A new second amendment that replaces angry firepower but with free ice cream or gelato during the summer months.  I know what you are saying, “My clients don’t respond to me unless they see a gun.” But trust me. You will get a lot more business with butter pecan than bullets.
•  Not a big dessert person?  How about a second amendment that ensures each citizen the right to free cable? I’m not talking basic cable, but the special packages with sports and movie channels and free DVRs too.   You might have to pay full price for the porn stations, but that’s only fair.
• How about a new second amendment that ensures each citizen the right to on-time airline service with no baggage fees and two bags of peanuts per flight? I proposed three bags of peanuts for international flights, but the airline industry says that is an indulgent and money-wasting practice.  Isn’t giving up your gun worth this?
• Throw away your arms and instead get free education courtesy of the new second amendment. It doesn’t have to be a four-year college education. Go to hairdresser school or be a master plumber all on the second amendment. Nothing makes a country more secure and attractive than well-maintained toilets and well-coiffed hair. The tourists will just flood in when they see our upscale urinals and upswept do’s. Rest assured the extra tourism bucks will pay for these programs too. So no extra tax payments to deal with.
• What is more appealing than owning a gun? Owning all the shoes you want. The second amendment ensures all citizens the right to own and collect shoes with no limitation.  For those who still are on the weapon bandwagon, know this: shoes can be just as effective as a gun. You don’t need bullets when you have killer Stilletos.
• The new second amendment will prohibit bad-drug lawyer commercials as well as final expense insurance commercials and “I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up” commercials. They should have been banned without a new amendment but like guns, they keep multiplying and coming back.
•  For those who insist on having a gun, I am willing to capitulate and allow a new second amendment to provide for the ownership of muskets. A friend of mine suggested this alternative weapon plan, and I am all for it. If you must own a firearm, you can have one and only one musket. The loading and unloading of that baby should keep you busy and safe for hours.

and finally

• The new second amendment offers everyone in the US a free Puppy.  Come on, who would rather have a gun when you can have a  puppy?

Donna Cavanagh is the author of  How to Write and Share Humor:Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans