A New Second Amendment | HumorOutcasts

A New Second Amendment

July 12, 2016

gun-control-1422577__180It is no secret that so many of our woes would be eliminated if we just deleted the second amendment which some people interpret as the right to bear arms–not limb arms or grizzly arms but gun arms. I thought I should be specific since a lot of people seem to not understand this amendment. I am not going to argue this point of interpretation since my New Amendment plan will erase the entire present second amendment making your argument pointless anyway. This is not as radical an idea as you might think. We deleted the 18th amendment that banned alcohol and added the 21st amendment that brought it back (thank God!). So, let’s do a little constitution cleaning out and see how we can make all our lives a little safer and a little nicer.

  • The New Second Amendment will allow for the legalization of pot throughout the country. Why? Because you will all need to be a bit more mellow before you read and agree to the rest of this list.
  • A new second amendment that replaces angry firepower but with free ice cream or gelato during the summer months.  I know what you are saying, “My clients don’t respond to me unless they see a gun.” But trust me. You will get a lot more business with butter pecan than bullets.
  •  Not a big dessert person?  How about a second amendment that ensures each citizen the right to free cable? I’m not talking basic cable, but the special packages with sports and movie channels and free DVRs too.   You might have to pay full price for the porn stations, but that’s only fair.
  • How about a new second amendment that ensures each citizen the right to on-time airline service with no baggage fees and two bags of peanuts per flight? I proposed three bags of peanuts for international flights, but the airline industry says that is an indulgent and money-wasting practice.  Isn’t giving up your gun worth this?
  • Throw away your arms and instead get free education courtesy of the new second amendment. It doesn’t have to be a four-year college education. Go to hairdresser school or be a master plumber all on the second amendment. Nothing makes a country more secure and attractive than well-maintained toilets and well-coiffed hair. The tourists will just flood in when they see our upscale urinals and upswept do’s. Rest assured the extra tourism bucks will pay for these programs too. So no extra tax payments to deal with.
  • What is more appealing than owning a gun? Owning all the shoes you want. The second amendment ensures all citizens the right to own and collect shoes with no limitation.  For those who still are on the weapon bandwagon, know this: shoes can be just as effective as a gun. You don’t need bullets when you have killer Stilletos.
  • The new second amendment will prohibit bad-drug lawyer commercials as well as final expense insurance commercials and “I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up” commercials. They should have been banned without a new amendment but like guns, they keep multiplying and coming back.
  •  For those who insist on having a gun, I am willing to capitulate and allow a new second amendment to provide for the ownership of muskets. A friend of mine suggested this alternative weapon plan, and I am all for it. If you must own a firearm, you can have one and only one musket. The loading and unloading of that baby should keep you busy and safe for hours.

and finally

  • The new second amendment offers everyone in the US a free Puppy.  Come on, who would rather have a gun when you can have a  puppy?

Donna Cavanagh is the author of  How to Write and Share Humor:Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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12 Responses to A New Second Amendment

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    July 16, 2016 at 6:24 am

    I had a look at the 11th Amendment which “Makes states immune from suits.” Dressing in a suit makes Bill Y feel all grown-up like.

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    July 15, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    You had me at your “Guns for Designer Shoes” Exchange Program! Funny stuff Donna!

  3. July 14, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Get a petition going – I’ll sign it. However, you need to change the word, puppy, to pet. Some of us are allergic to puppies. That way I can get a cockatoo or a cockatiel or a parrot (not allergic to birds)!

  4. July 13, 2016 at 5:46 pm

    I heard the text of the Second Amendment contains a typo. The Framers of the Constitution actually intended to gurantee our right to arm bears.

    • July 13, 2016 at 8:25 pm

      HA HA! Not sure if it would be a much safer world if bears had arms. Thanks for commenting Jourdan!

  5. July 13, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Let’s just HAVE a party. With lots of alcohol, ice cream and puppies.

  6. July 13, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Puppies and ice cream! Let’s make America TRULY great!

  7. Kathy Minicozzi
    July 12, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    I’ll take the ice cream or gelato, please.

    • July 12, 2016 at 8:29 pm

      see a little ice cream goes a long way!

  8. Helene Cohen Bludman
    July 12, 2016 at 8:09 pm

    Donna for President!

    • July 12, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      I will run on the Just be Nice Party! LOL Actually, I’m up for an ambassadorship with the Bacon & Chocolate party. I can do that.

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