After the Beep

 

You have no new messages.  You have 10,763 old messages.  Your oldest message slightly post-dates the Big Bang.  You have asked for this message to be deleted because of its noise.

To listen to your messages, press three.  Your 10,763 messages will then be repeated in order.

You now have 10,768 messages.  Five new messages have been received while you have been listening to this message.  These messages may be monitored for quality control, because you may be a terrorist, or simply for our own amusement.

Your first four thousand messages predate your birth according to all available records.  You failed to delete these messages in previous incarnations.  You may delete them now by punching in the secret identification numbers of those previous selves.  If you have forgotten your previous selves, press star seven to be connected to Shirley MacLaine.

You now have 10, 781 messages.  Thirteen new messages were received while you were trying unsuccessfully to be disconnected from Shirley MacLaine.

To listen to your messages, press 3 and all 10,781 messages will then be repeated in order.

If you wish to delete any messages, press pound six and six messages will be deleted at random.  To learn what messages have been deleted, press star seven to be reconnected to Shirley MacLaine.

I am sorry.  I do not recognize this command.  Pounding star six repeatedly and then pounding the telephone with your fist has caused all your messages to be restored but has rerouted your connection to our customer service center in Bangladesh at a cost of thirteen dollars and seventy three cents per minute plus currency conversion fees.  To discuss this charge, stay on the line to talk to the next available customer service representative during our normal business hours of 2:38 AM to 4:43 AM on alternate Tuesdays in any month with an R in it.  For best results, keep your credit card and English-Pharsi language handbook handy.

Messages may be monitored for quality control, because you are a suspected terrorist, or for our own amusement.

I am sorry. I do not understand this command.  By pressing 3 followed by many other keys, however, you may have found the solution to pi.  Press r twice to learn whether you are eligible for a genius grant from the MacArthur Foundation.

You have no new messages. You have 10,797 old messages.  Eighteen new messages were received while you were checking to see whether the month of July has an R in it Pharsi.  To listen to your messages, press 3.  All 10,797 messages will then be repeated in order except for one or two which we did find rather amusing and which are now circulating among our many customer service representatives.

I am sorry.  I cannot respond to command.  Your identity has been stolen and given to Shirley MacLaine.  If you wish to exit the voicemail system, press any number, then the pound key, and wait for the next Big Bang.

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