Batshit Crazy Republicans

By: Alex Hanson

It’s stupid season again which means it’s time for our list of Batshit Crazy Republicans for 2016.

Sarah Palin

She’s not running this year, but Palin’s endorsement speech for Donald Trump broke new ground in the area of batshittery. Far too many quotes from this odd collection of consonants and vowels to chronicle, but here are a couple of the best:

Well, and then funny, ha, not funny, but now, what they’re doing is wailing, ‘Well, Trump and his, uh, Trumpeters, they’re not conservative enough.’ Oh my goodness gracious. What the heck would the establishment know about conservatism?

We’re paying for, some of their squirmishes [sic], that have been going on for centuries, where they’re fighting each other, and yelling, ‘Allah akbar,’ [sic] calling jihad on each other’s heads forever and ever. Like I said before, let them duke it out and let Allah sort it out.

Um, yeah…

Ted Cruz

The Cubanadian who wants to be president of neither Cuba nor Canada is vying for the top spot in his adopted country of Texas (formerly part of the US). And with his grasp of science, who wouldn’t want him running the show? Here he is on global warming:

The problem with climate change is there’s never been a day in the history of the world in which the climate is not changing.

With insight like that, if this whole “I wanna be president” nonsense doesn’t work out, Ted can always fall back on being a forecaster on The Weather Channel.

Here he is on… I’m not sure:

No man who doesn’t begin every day on his knees is fit to stand in the Oval Office.

That could be taken a couple of ways, but I’m pretty sure that’s what Ted will have to do at least once—and be better at it than Palin!—for Trump to choose him over Sarah as his running mate.

Mike Huckabee

The most evangelically Christiany nutcase of this daft group, Huckabee is America’s foremost expert on the evils of same-sex marriage. Here’s an example:

I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and an animal.

Nice list Mike, but you forgot one. Where’s a man, two women, a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, a Taunting Temptress love doll, two goldfish and a Hostess Twinkie? That’s kind of my situation right now and I’m pushing for new legislation that will allow us to become husband and wife and wife and cheerleader and inflatable doll and fish and fish and cellophane wrapped baked goods. We are so in love.

Rick Santorum

A perennial also-ran, the representative from Pennsylvania has never let that kind of failure stop him from lending women his expertise on their reproductive rights:

I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created—in the sense of rape—but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you… rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.

Yeah, kind of what women have to do whenever you open your pie-hole and tell them what they should do with their bodies.

Ben Carson

This is the man who has singlehandedly dropped brain surgeon well below rocket scientist and just above grocery bagger on the smartest profession scale. If you can catch the good doctor awake for a few minutes, listen closely for gems like this one:

ObamaCare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery. In a way, it is slavery, because it is making all of us subservient to the government.

We’re used to white people having no idea what slavery was really like (see Rand Paul, below), but my god, Ben. Next time you’re awake enough, stand in front of a mirror, open those eyes and take a look at your pigmentation. You may be surprised.

Rand Paul

What is it about doctors comparing healthcare to slavery? Here’s Rand on Obamacare:

[It] means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me. It means you believe in slavery. It means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses.

I never realized guaranteeing healthcare for everyone was the same as holding an entire race of people in bondage for hundreds of years. But then, I’m not a doctor.

Carly Fiorina

After nearly running Hewlett Packard into the ground, Carly is on a mission to destroy another organization—the most evil organization in the world! Nope, not ISIS. On Planned Parenthood:

Anyone who has watched this videotape, I dare Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama to watch these tapes. Watch a fully formed fetus on the table, its heart beating, its legs kicking while someone says we have to keep it alive to harvest its brain.

Evil shit, indeed… if it were true. The video was found to be fake, but when told the images weren’t real she responded, “Well, yes they are real.”

Marco Rubio

The little boy whose dream it is to get to sit at the grown-ups table in the cabinet room of the White House seems to be confused by the meaning of the words pro-life. Here he is on abortion:

I’m proud of the fact that the Republican Party is the pro-life party on the issue of life.

This from the same man who not only supports capital punishment but is so anxious to do away with prisoners on Florida’s death row, he salivates. On delays caused by appeals:

[I]n some cases it has consumed up to 20 years before a warrant is signed. With over 370 inmates on death row in Florida, delays of this nature hinder justice for the victims and erode public confidence in Florida’s criminal justice system. 

Nice pro-life stance, Marco.

Jeb! Bush

Supposedly the smart Bush, Jeb! has shown he’s no slouch when it comes to making us wonder what the hell he’s talking about. Here are some examples:

I would do probably nothing for African-Americans.

Immigrants are more fertile.

I’m a skeptic, not a scientist.

You can almost hear Dubya saying those things, can’t you?

Donald Trump

I know what you’re saying: “Why is this asshole so far down on the list?” It’s because this asshole is more asshole than batshit crazy. Sure he says crazy shit, but it’s for shock value—not because he really believes it. He’s simply telling the extreme right what they want to hear because they are batshit crazy. But Trump certainly is an asshole—especially to women.

On Carly Fiorina:

Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?

On FOX News debate moderator, Megyn Kelly:

She starts asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions, and you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever. 

On Hillary Clinton taking a bathroom break during a Democratic debate:

I know where she went, it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it. No, it’s too disgusting. Don’t say it, it’s disgusting.

Like I said: asshole.

Share this Post:

3 thoughts on “Batshit Crazy Republicans”

Comments are closed.