Freedonian Dating Site Ready for Launch as Dial-Up Modem is Fixed

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GODANS FLEZ, Freedonia.  Crawling on his hands and knees around a starkly-furnished office here, Norograz D’Blezbek doesn’t look like a serial entrepreneur who is regularly ranked as one of his country’s wealthiest men.  “I made my first million recycling motor oil as mascara,” D’Blezbek says as he tries the room’s several phone jacks without success.  “Then, when Freedonia went off the weasel standard and the flemux”–the nation’s currency–“plummeted, I made a bundle shorting it against pullet futures.”

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“Using just my butt, I can hold up this load-bearing wall!”

 

But D’Blezbek’s latest start-up may be his riskiest of them all.  He’s planning a leap into the Eastern European dating and mail-order bride business, a sector that many industry analysts say is already saturated by Russian and Ukrainian websites.  “Bah,” he says when this reporter conveys the gloomy forecasts leading securities firms have made for the prospects of his new endeavor.  “Have they seen sweet Milita Norzgki, the ‘Condensed Milk of Freedonia’?” he scoffs.  “If they did, they would die for just a drop of her bathwater!”

 

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Kowa-bunga!

 

Freedonia has lagged behind neighboring countries in the race to place its surplus women in the arms of western men because the country’s sole internet connection, a dial-up modem in this city known as the “the Silicon Valley of Freedonia,” has been broken since 2008.  Now, through a grant from the U.S. Agency for International Development, it has been fixed, and D’Blezbek says it is only a matter of time before he can connect to the so-called “World-Wide Web” to bring “the beauties of Freedonia to a laptop, if not a lap, near you.”

 

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Hot Freedonian girls wish to make cabbage smoothies with you!

 

“Is a good thing for this country, no?” he asks rhetorically as he finally hears a screeching sound, then a dial tone, then a series of bleeps and bloops that mean he has successfully uploaded his “Gallery of Freedonian Beauties” to the internet, where it can be viewed by lonely men around the globe.  “So many Freedonian women have no dowry of goats, tractor parts and beet roots to offer eligible bachelors here, but for some reason there is no shortage of horny U.S. suitors sitting in front of their computers at night.”

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“My flax cakes may be flat, but they are round!”

 

A “ping” is heard and D’Blezbek jumps at the prospect of his first customer, a lonely man in Keokuk, Iowa who likes tractor pulls and long walks through soybean fields and is looking for a “girl next door” type, preferably one who lives not next door where she may be familiar with his personal hygiene, but instead thousands of miles away.  “He’s going for the ‘VIP Club’,” D’Blezbek says with excitement as he grabs a pen and pad of paper to write down the man’s credit card information.

“Thank you for your business!” D’Blezbek types out with a primitive two-fingered technique that seems out of place in the comparatively high-tech surroundings.  What, this reporter asks him, does a “VIP Club” membership include?

“Our solemn promise,” he says, placing his hand over his heart, “that we will use your credit card only for domestic air travel, ‘white goods’ appliances and low-fat weasel chow.”

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