Grown Ups | HumorOutcasts

Grown Ups

April 8, 2016
Grown Ups

Grown Ups Know

Remember when there were grown-ups in the world?  I remember when they would always tell me of the three things that were bound to happen to me. Whatever I did, I was either going to break my neck, catch pneumonia, or poke my eye out.  Then I was told not to make a face because it would freeze that way.  And I certainly couldn’t go swimming unless I waited at least a half an hour after I ate.  The people doing all the telling were always larger than life, and somehow, it gave us comfort to believe that they were right.

There are still a few grown-ups that exist in the world.  My mom is one of them. She still tells me about the three things that are going to happen to me, and I still want to believe that she’s always right.  But the larger than life part, well I’m not so sure about that one.  She’s an absolute two inches shorter than she was when I was a kid.

I’m 55 years old, but I’m still not a grown-up.  I don’t repeat the three things that will happen to my children, and I go for my morning swim directly after breakfast every day. But I do wish mom had been right about my face freezing that way because then I’d have a wrinkle free face to go with my aging body, and I wouldn’t even have to pay for Botox to have it.

Leslie Handler

Leslie is an internationally syndicated columnist for Senior Wire and a 2015 Society of Newspaper Columnists award winner. She is a frequent contributor to WHYY's Newsworks, has written for The Philadelphia Inquirer, ZestNow, and Boomercafe, as well as blogs for The Huffington Post. She has a Bachelor of Journalism degree and currently lives smack dab between Philadelphia and New York City with husband Marty, dogs Maggie, Hazel, and Ginger, a collection of fish, said husband's cockatoo who she's been trying to roast for dinner for the last 31 years, and a few occasional uninvited guests. You may follow her blog and read published essays at: Her first book, a collection of essays, publishes by HO/Shorehouse Press Spring, 2018.

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5 Responses to Grown Ups

  1. April 12, 2016 at 5:45 am

    At 53, sometimes I look in the mirror and think my face *did* freeze like that. It makes me want to poke my eyes out.

  2. April 9, 2016 at 11:16 am

    I still can’t fit my elbow in my ear.

  3. April 9, 2016 at 8:16 am

    I was running with a pencil when I stopped to read this. So, of course, I could only do it with one eye. But it was even funny from a pirate’s point of view!

  4. April 8, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    I would have read this more closely Leslie, but I was reading with no lights on near the front of the TV, which as our mothers said was bad for our eyes and I couldn’t see. Great post!

    • April 10, 2016 at 7:35 pm

      So Cathy, you still have breaking your neck and catching pneumonia on your bucket list.

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