1. That guy who told you to vote early and vote often — he was hired by your cousin to get you arrested so that your cousin can get control of your money while you’re in jail. Either that, or he was joking. I forget which.
2. Be very suspicious of any paper ballot that is folded funny.
3. If you have a Republicans Are Sore Losers baseball cap, try to remember not to wear it to the polling place. People will look at you funny. You don’t want anyone looking at you funny in a government space, even if it is only a temporary one in a local school gymnasium. You might find yourself on some list or other. If that happens you will never be able to fly in an airplane anywhere without being stopped and searched, which is highly embarrassing, especially if your mother is with you.
4. If you have one of those ballots where you have to fill in small circles next to names, please resist the temptation to fill in every circle. Nobody else thinks that’s funny.
5. Don’t wait until you are ready to fill out your ballot, then shout so that everyone can hear you, “I don’t know who to vote for. Any advice?” I don’t know what this will get you, but I bet it won’t be pleasant.
6. If your polling place still has those old fashioned voting machines, and you have already closed the curtain, don’t open it again to ask a question. Don’t laugh. I once knew someone who did this! Her husband, who was there at the time, decided to be supportive in the way of husbands everywhere: “Only an idiot like you would do a fool thing like that!”