Hello. My name is Bob Smith. I’m running as a Republican for the junior Senate seat in the great state of Kentucky. Why am I doing this? Because I don’t like to work, but I do like getting paid!
One of a senator’s key responsibilities is to review nominees to fill empty Supreme Court seats. However, my (future) colleagues in the Senate have refused to even hold hearings to fill the spot recently vacated by Judge Scalia. But that’s not the only place they’re refusing to do their jobs. There are hundreds federal judgeships waiting to be filled and the current judges are getting overwhelmed and burned out. Senators are supposed to recommend judicial picks to the President, but my colleagues aren’t doing that either.
This, incidentally, is probably why it’s taking so long for your uncle to get a court date for driving under the influence of meth.
And then there’s the whole threatening to not pass a budget thing. So I looked at all this and said “Wait, I can do almost nothing and get paid $174,000? Sign me up!”
Let me tell you a bit about my background. My parents fled the Communists in Hungary in 1956 and came to America. I still wear my Dad’s glasses to honor his courage. He and Mom believed in America. They sent me to a good college so that one day I could get a job preventing other desperate people from doing exactly what my parents did.
But things didn’t quite work out. I dropped out of college and ended up stacking automotive supplies at Shucks Auto Parts. I busted my ass (kinda) for $24,900. All day long my stupid-ass manager would bark “Stock this here, put that there!” The other day he was yelling at me about where to put the air filters. So I drew my gun and yelled “Lemme tell ya where I’m gonna put this air filter. Sideways!”
So, I’m pro-gun. I’m angry just like you are. I want a good paying job where I don’t have to actually do my job. And I never want to see another fuzzy seat cover again.
I would be honored if you’d chose me to not represent the great state of Kentucky.