Nobody gets to drive this but me | HumorOutcasts

Nobody gets to drive this but me

September 16, 2016
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nobody-gets-to-drive-this-but-me-artI don’t like house chores at all, but my wife and I recently bought a new vacuum and I’ve since changed my attitude about carpet-cleaning duties.

Let me break down the model we bought. First of all, it’s not your typical vacuum. This piece of high-powered machinery has D2. What’s D2? D2 is Dual Cyclonic Technology. I still don’t really know what that means, except that it gives my new vacuum serious power.

This thing’s got something like a 300-amp motor. When it starts up, it sounds like a jet engine. It also has things like a Power Brush, Anti-Microbial Technology and something on the back of the machine toward the bottom that says Power. That’s what I’m talking about. Power! Oh, that’s the “power” switch.

This vacuum is tough. It’s got a Scuff Guard on the front of the machine for ramming, it’s got wheels that you can take through any off-road course, and it has extension hoses that could probably withstand several buckshots.

My new vacuum has a shiny metallic red coat of paint that would put any restored classic car to shame. I’ve already put a coat of wax on the machine, and it’s so shiny and reflective that I can use it as a mirror when I shave.

My old vacuum would miss small fuzzes, pieces of thread and dirt that got ground into the carpet, which is the main reason we replaced the thing—may it rest in pieces. I’d go over the same mess numerous times with the old vacuum, and still it wouldn’t pick the stuff up.

Now, let me break down my new vacuum’s performance. I have to strap myself into this vacuum before operating the thing. Yeah, it’s got that much power. Once I’m strapped in, I still have to hang on.

I could pour honey molasses on my carpet, and this vacuum would pick it up. I’ve accidentally sucked up a few of my son’s Tonka toys and even grabbed pieces of furniture the way the Death Star’s tractor beam grabbed the Millennium Falcon space ship in the movie “Star Wars.” I’m sometimes surprised that my new vacuum doesn’t pull the carpet up into the vacuum waste container.

Yes, I actually enjoy vacuuming these days. I invite friends over to the house to show the thing off like it was a new motorcycle. Most of them are envious of my new machine and want to take it for a spin, but a man never lets another being drive his vehicles—vacuums included.

There are the few friends who want to challenge me with their pieces of vacuuming equipment. Of course, they’re all talk. Not one of them has shown up for a challenge. Two of them converted to the type of machine I just purchased.

My wife is more than happy that I’ve claimed the vacuuming duties in the house. Ever since, she’s been on the computer surfing the Internet obsessively. After a while, I got a little curious as to what she was doing. I could’ve just asked what she was trying to find, but instead I decided to play Sherlock Holmes and do a little snooping around.

I went online and checked her search history. I found several Google searches for things like “high-powered glass cleaner,” “high-powered iron,” “high-powered Swiffer,” “high-powered paint brush” and . . . you get the idea. And I get the idea, too. Maybe this new high-powered vacuum wasn’t such a hot idea.


This story originally appeared in The Signal Newspaper of Santa Clarita, CA, in January of 2008 and is included in Michael Picarella’s book, “Everything Ever After (Confessions of a Family Man).” You can find it and other stories like it from Michael Picarella at MichaelPicarellaColumn.com.

Michael Picarella

He’s the Twain of the Inane. His work is taken straight from the Inanitarium, a vault of little stories that are literally about nothing, but maybe about everything. Now that you’ve taken a look, it's safe to say this guy is no Twain. He’s even better, right? Michael Picarella is an award-winning writer, amateur family man and expert in fascinations, with a taste for cookies, milk and the American Dream. His book, “Everything Ever After (Confessions of a Family Man),” is a collection of stories you can’t live without from his family humor newspaper column, “Family Men Don’t Wear Name Brands.” Additionally, Picarella is the publisher, content manager and writer of Jack-o’-Lantern Press, a monster blog for monsters only, at www.JackoLanternPress.com, and he’s also the filmmaker behind two feature-length tales of suburban noir you’ve never seen. Picarella is a homeowner living in the outskirts of Los Angeles. He battles armies of domestic gremlins with his wife, son and their pet beagle on a daily basis. Most of their life is made up of small, inane events and manias, which they call their "everything ever after." So how about a break from the BIG, the LOUD, the EXTRAORDINARY and the AMAZING? For more information and ways to connect, go to www.MichaelPicarella.com.

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2 Responses to Nobody gets to drive this but me

  1. September 18, 2016 at 2:10 am

    One could almost go cruising with a vacuum like this. 🙂

  2. Harold Ginn
    September 16, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    Snooping on the wife, eh? Mighty risky. You might soon be looking for a high-powered dog house.



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