I get some odd writing and consulting requests. Believe it or not in the last six months, three writers have asked me to teach them the ins and outs of writing graphic scenes for their erotica novels that might resemble some scenes in porn videos from websites similar to hdpornvideo.xxx. Why me you might ask? Well, I guess since I have 16 years of catholic school under my belt as well as 30 years of humor writing, I would be the best choice for teaching sex and smut. Yes, it’s such a logical leap from laughter to lust.
Truth be told, I was taken aback after the first sex scene help request, so I ignored it, but then the second request had me curious and by request number three which just hit my email inbox last week, I thought, “Why not? I can teach erotica. How hard can it be?” So, I went through a few of my old sex-and-violence beach reading novels and, of course, took a peek at THE textbook of smut Fifty Shades of Grey. After studying these books and many, many works of “literature,” I developed my own lesson plan for my new course “Sex Writing for Budding Eroticists.” (I am not sure if Eroticist is a recognized word, so know this: I am coining it now – my lawyer is obtaining a trademark as we speak). While I don’t think any of the many Midwestern Christian Women’s Writer’s Groups will hire me for this lesson, there are writing groups out there who might benefit from my newly-found expertise. Below is an outline of my proposed workshop. For those who might want me to speak, contact me, and I will provide you with the most interesting course details that you will not soon forget. Here are the rough preliminaries.
Sex Writing for Budding Eroticists
Course Description: This 15-minute course (because that is all you need) will provide you with the literary tools to write graphic, exciting and memorable erotic scenes which will make your otherwise dull novel rise to the top of the Amazon bestseller list.
Part I: Picking your main character’s name.
The first important lesson: I learned this recently that your first erotica character as saucy as characters you might see in videos from websites such as https://www.porn-hd.xxx/ is the combination of the name of your first pet and the name of the first street you lived on. My erotica name is Muffie Turnbull which I think is a damn good sex name. I bet she would do great in movies.
Part II: New Words for Old Body Parts
During the workshop, we will play a few word games or maybe some Pictionary to help new sex writers identify the correct and trendy names of the important body parts. It’s essential to know as many synonyms of those special places as possible. It’s amazing how a glitzy moniker can bring new life to an old friend.
Part III: Discussion and Education about the Tools of Erotica
This part of the course talks about doing research and getting to know the language and habits of happy erotica people. Here are some examples of discussion topics:
Whips: What are they good for?
Ménage a What? And the related Topic: When is a lot of naked people too many naked people?
Leather or cotton? Traditional vs. Politically Correct sex outfits
Domination, submission and this year’s political campaigns. (This is a surprise topic)
Part III: Turning smut into romance:
Even the most hardened eroticists want love to creep into the story. Nothing brings romance to the surface like a good round of bondage. So, in this part of the course we will focus on how to find love in the darkest of dungeons. If done well, your readers will bond to you emotionally like…well…handcuffs to a four-poster bed.
Part IV: Financing Erotica
Writing Erotica is a full-time job, so how does one continue to live a quality life while paying their dues in the erotica world. These are some topics up for discussion:
Making money legally with sex
Making money legally with sex and bondage
Making money not so legally with blackmail and videotapes
That’s my course in a nutshell. So, if anyone is interested in this subject matter, just let me know.