SPARKS BRIEF : New Seasonal Disorder Discovered | HumorOutcasts

SPARKS BRIEF : New Seasonal Disorder Discovered

October 14, 2016


The American Psychiatric Association announced a new seasonal disorder that is affecting millions across the country – Pumpkin Spice Traumatic Disorder (PSTD).

Sufferers of PSTD are stricken every fall when Pumpkin Spice is released across the nation. Limited editions of hundreds of products are created containing the pumpkin spice flavor and scent. This causes pumpkin enthusiasts to go out of their gourds trying to buy up all these items.

“There is a high level of anxiety exhibited in patients with PSTD,” reported Dr. Peter Peters, an expert on the disorder.

The seasonal pumpkin mania has destroyed lives. “I’ve had a patient lose her job, because she camped outside Starbucks for a month just to get a fresh Pumpkin Spice Latte every morning,” Dr. Peters said.

“I’ve participated in several interventions at Bath & Bodyworks and Yankee Candle when PSTD patients would not leave the store.”

Ann McMuffin of Tuttleville, MA went into pumpkin induced coma after eating 6 boxes of Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights, 3 boxes of Pumpkin Spice Cheerios and downed 2 gallons of Pumpkin Egg Nog. “I woke up in rehab and was forced to go “cold pumpkin” for eight weeks,” McMuffin reported.

Last October, Floyd Turffle of Greasy, OK was reported missing by his family. He was found a week later living in the stock room of Trader Joe’s. He was caught eating a box of frozen pumpkin waffles and drinking pumpkin ale.

“I couldn’t leave the store until I tried every pumpkin product. Boy, do they have a lot of stuff. I was trippin’ on the spice,” Turffle admitted. No charges were filled with the stipulation that Turffle would join a support group of pumpkin spice addicts.

“We’ve had success battling PSTD with the Pumpkin Patch Extended Release. It’s a topically applied therapy and provides a dose of cinnamon, nutmeg, clove and allspice. It’s helped many sufferers make a successful withdrawal,” said Peters.

The disorder can become severe in late November when pumpkin spice supplies start to dwindle. “If you find a family member snorting pumpkin pie spice. Take them to a PSTD therapist immediately.”

The most serious phase of PSTD is when a patient’s skin becomes orange. “We call this the Trumpkin Pumpkin Syndrome. Without intensive treatment a patient will become irrational, unfocused, rambling, with accompanying bouts of lying, groping and whining,” Peters warned.

Vince G. Sparks

Vince G. Sparks, freelance writer, and avid reader is a genetically creative person with a talent for expressing the written word. Vince has a background in communications, public relations, and journalism. Also, he spent many years in human resources navigating corporate America. He masterminds the blog Sparks Ignites, where he shares his “slice of life” stories and social commentary with insight, humor, and extra-dry wit. He’s been published in the Elephant Journal online magazine, with two articles selected as Editor’s Picks. He is a member of South Jersey Writers Group Board of Trustees. For more and to stay connected visit him on social media and his website

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One Response to SPARKS BRIEF : New Seasonal Disorder Discovered

  1. October 14, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    Quite possibly the worst case of PSTD is the guy currently running as the Pumpkin Spice Presidential Candidate. I mean, pumpkin spice Cheerios was over the top, pumpkin spice cocoa was just disgusting, and pumpkin spice pizza—I can’t even. But a pumpkin spice president? That’s just over the top.

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