Time To Get Fit-Faced


The other day I was watching a Seahawks game in a bar when an ad for the Fitbit came on the TV. For those of you who don’t care about your health, the Fitbit is a watch that tracks things like how many steps you’ve taken during a day. Right after the Fitbit ad I watched one for Michelob Light, which featured very fit people sucking down beers and playing volleyball. Which made sense – everyone knows how physically active most beer drinkers are. In fact, when I first entered the bar I thought the assembled guys wearing matching blue jerseys were a running team meeting to plan their next marathon.

Seeing these two ads together gave me an idea for a new watch Fitbit should release:

The Fit-faced

The Fit-faced would be a watch specifically targeting drinkers. It would measure your blood alcohol content in real time (a big plus for sports fans who are also Uber drivers). But it would do so much more. It’d calculate your average numbers of beers per hour and your total caloric intake. And then compare those stats to the number of steps taken heading to and from the restroom.

But that’s not all. The Fit-faced would be an invaluable navigational tool as well. The GPS location of your house would be pre-set in the watch. The GPS navigation system and a map display would guide you home with ease (“In 30 feet, stumble right onto Johnson Avenue”). Never again will you wander the next street over, wondering who moved your house.

The Fit-faced could even be a life-saver. Let’s say you pass out in a snow bank coming home from your favorite sports bar in Cleveland. The Browns have just lost again and you’ve really drowned your sorrows this time. You pass out in a snow bank in -2 degrees Fahrenheit. But that’s okay. The Fit-faced is monitoring your core body temp and blood pressure. When those stats start going dangerously south, your watch dials 911 and provides the first responders with your exact location.

Sure, the Fit-faced will cost you $200. But that beats having to explain how you lost four fingers due to the Cleveland Browns.

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3 thoughts on “Time To Get Fit-Faced”

  1. Dear Mr. Sullivan:

    We love your idea and plan to move ahead with production ASAP. Marketing, however has asked us to consider 3 possible other names for the product.
    1. The Blitzed Bit
    2. The Buzz Band
    3. The You’ve-Had-Enough Cuff

    We welcome your input.

    1. Memo Addendum: R&D has also begun feasibility exploration of a similar device tentatively to be called the Tobaccer Tracker.

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