Donald Trump is considering convicted Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff as next U.S. Treasurer, rumor has it. It’s hard to believe since once Trump called Madoff a scoundrel and a thief.
“I did,” says Trump, “but sometimes a scoundrel is what we need. Someone who, as Treasurer, can work a room, raise billions to get our country out of debt. I’ve seen him do it. I’ve seen him work rooms in Palm Beach. Very charming. We’ll be selling Treasury notes like crazy. If Bernie can convince Palm Beach Jews he can make them money, do you think we’ll have trouble getting those dumb Euros and the South Americans to buy our bonds? This is part of my plan to make America great and get us out of debt.”
But, isn’t Bernie in jail? He can’t act as a treasurer if he’s sitting in a cell.
“If I think he will help, I’ll pardon him but I’ll keep him on a short leash. If he opens one Cayman account, he’s back in the slammer.”
So you think Madoff can woo investors worldwide? Billions, even trillions?
“I do. We’ll have investors from everywhere buying treasuries knowing I’m in charge. Even the treasury notes will have a gold leaf “T” on them. I know treasury notes. Once they have the Trump stamp on them, everyone will want a piece. Our treasury notes will be the best treasury notes.”
If Madoff does his magic and this works and we borrow all this money, how this help our deficit?
“If you had gone to Trump University, you’d know already, right? Trump University, a fine real estate college by the way. Not a finer university devoted strictly to real estate anywhere.”
Okay, so I didn’t go. All this surplus cash, the government is going to buy real estate?
“You’re a loser if you think that. We’re going to sell off our weaker pieces then buy countries. I’m thinking we sell Alaska – it’s cold y’know but lots of oil. We set up a bidding war between Russia – Putin likes me, he’ll go for this deal – and Canada. Of course, we give Canada last look. I think it’ll fetch $ 5 trillion. Hawaii, we might unload it also. Set up a bidding war between Japan and Indonesia. Could fetch another 4 to 6 trillion. Puerto Rico wants to be a state, we’ll have room on the flag, we charge them to come in.”
This is how you battle the deficit, sell assets, big land deals?
“Yuuuuge land deals! We spin off the excess states. Now Hawaii is no longer in our country so Obama can’t say he was born in the United States – two birds. We take the cash, look for some fixer upper countries, buy them on the cheap, new paint, improve them, then flip them. See, a lot of countries have problems we can fix. Once we fix it, we can make billions.”
Really? Can you elaborate?
“I don’t want to give away our hand but let’s say Colombia. Beautiful country, nice mountains, beautiful women but they’ve a cartel problem. And drugs. We pick it up for $ 600 billion, move our army in, wipe out the cartel, pay the coca plant growers to grow something else, fix it up, make it a tourist haven then flip it. Should make 300 billion, at least. At least!”
So that’s it? Madoff helps to make America great again by raising the funds to buy control of fixer-upper countries which we flip for profit?
“If you had my university courses… which were beautiful, you’d understand.”