Warning! Neighborhood Break-in | HumorOutcasts

Warning! Neighborhood Break-in

April 22, 2016


We’ve recently had several break-ins in my neighborhood.  Thankfully, no one has been hurt.  The thought of a break-in is very scary to me. The funny thing is that I really don’t care about whether they take my big screen TV or my silver plated chafing dish.  The scary part is in thinking about how violated I would feel.  When all the crap of life happens to me, the first thing I want to do is to go to the safety of my own home.  I can’t imagine how disconcerting it would be not to have my one safe place, feel safe.

Then I began to think about what an odd duck I really am. If it was a fire, of course, I’d grab the pets and the photos, but as for a burglary, the things I cherish most in my home, are things no thief would ever want.  Even though intellectually I know this, they’d be the first things I’d search for to make sure they are safely in their places.

What weird things you ask?

As embarrassing as this is, the following is a list of my most prized material processions:

-the pillow I’ve had since childhood.  It’s actually less than a rag now, but I can’t sleep without it.  The scent of it from years of snuggles, smells like nothing else and brings me comfort and relaxation.

-my hockey puck. My husband caught it for me on our first date at a hockey game. For thirty-six years it’s either been at my bedside or on my coffee table.  Seeing it, surrounds me with his love.


World’s Best Mom

-my 12-inch-tall angel trophy.  It’s the only trophy I’ve ever won.  It was given to me by my girls one Mothers’ Day.  It says “worlds’ best mom” on it.  I treasure it in the hopes that it’s true.

-I’m truly ashamed to name the last one-my cell phone.  Without it, I don’t know where to be, with whom, when, or how to reach them.  Although I wear it in my bra, I might have set it down somewhere making it vulnerable to theft.  It’s almost permanently attached to my boobs.  I think I’ll just have the plastic surgeon, make it an official part of my anatomy. Which means, I’ll need to protect just one more thing….

-the anti-rejection medication to keep it.

So, Mr. Burglar, please, just knock on my door and I’ll hand you the things you think are valuable.  That way, I won’t have to feel invaded, and the truly valuable material things in my life will be right where I always keep them.

Thank you.

Let’s chat.  What items in your home do you treasure most?  What would devastate you if stolen?  Tell me all about it in the comments section below.

Leslie Handler

Leslie is an internationally syndicated columnist for Senior Wire and a 2015 Society of Newspaper Columnists award winner. She is a frequent contributor to WHYY's Newsworks, has written for The Philadelphia Inquirer, ZestNow, and Boomercafe, as well as blogs for The Huffington Post. She has a Bachelor of Journalism degree and currently lives smack dab between Philadelphia and New York City with husband Marty, dogs Maggie, Hazel, and Ginger, a collection of fish, said husband's cockatoo who she's been trying to roast for dinner for the last 31 years, and a few occasional uninvited guests. You may follow her blog and read published essays at: LeslieGoesBoom.com. Her first book, a collection of essays, publishes by HO/Shorehouse Press Spring, 2018.

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3 Responses to Warning! Neighborhood Break-in

  1. Steve Roney
    April 23, 2016 at 11:01 am

    I’m ashamed to admit the only thing I can think of is my wallet. Actually, my license. The thought of going to the DMV to get a new one is more than I can handle.

  2. April 23, 2016 at 8:38 am

    If they get your phone before you realize it they may have access to a lot more. Good thing you keep it close by, so to speak.

  3. April 23, 2016 at 5:03 am

    I pity the burglar who breaks into my home. Assuming he’s lucky enough that the dog isn’t there, he’ll look around at the piles of book and various junk, shake his hand, and walk away. If the dog is there, he’ll crawl away.

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