Decluttering Made (Easy?) Difficult | HumorOutcasts

Decluttering Made (Easy?) Difficult

March 28, 2017

I am NOT a pack rat. Really, I’m not. I have no idea why the two closets in my apartment are bulging so much it takes a Japanese subway pusher to get the doors closed.

“Of course,” I reason, “I don’t have too many clothes. I don’t have enough closet space! This apartment must have been designed by a man!”

That reasoning goes kaput when I reach into the wall of fabric to inventory my goods.

“Do I STILL have that skirt? I think the last time I wore it was New Year’s Eve, 2000. I remember, because I was singing in an Italian restaurant that night and we were all afraid the lights and everything else would go out at midnight!”

I can’t get rid of that skirt. There is history attached to it.

With great effort, I look through all the other items in both closets. I manage to mark 5 garments for relocation to the thrift store, because they’re ugly and they don’t fit me anymore. Those are the 2 main criteria for tossing out: (1) ugliness; and (2) sizes I can’t fit into even if I wear tight spandex underwear. To qualify, a garment must fulfill both requirements.

I am sweating, hyperventilating and feeling dizzy by the time I am halfway through the task. This is too much for any woman. That tie-dye infinity scarf kept my throat warm for two winters. I owe it a comfortable old age, at home. Those granny jeans with the elastic waist and wide legs have stains that give them real character as a work of art. They belong in a museum, not a thrift shop. I can say something like that for every item still left in the closet after I remove the 5 unfortunate ones.

In case you didn’t know, this is an infinity scarf, with a girl inside it.

I dump the 5 marked items on my bed, close my eyes and count my breathing for a few minutes until I calm down, and head for my computer. I need a break.

The first site I open is my favorite shopping site. Within 10 minutes I have ordered a tee shirt, a dress, 2 pairs of cargo pants and a handbag. The other clothes will just have to make room for them when they arrive.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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5 Responses to Decluttering Made (Easy?) Difficult

  1. Bill Y "The Legend" Ledden
    April 2, 2017 at 7:33 am

    You’re only thinking of keeping people in jobs and that’s why you’re buying more stuff. Only the truly cool people, do this.

  2. March 29, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    It’s a good rule to get rid of one item for every new one that takes up residence in one’s closet. I don’t adhere to it, but it’s a good rule.

    • March 29, 2017 at 6:52 pm

      We must keep rules in perspective. The best way to do that is to ignore them. 😉

  3. Bill Spencer
    March 29, 2017 at 9:55 am

    It’s a law of physics: Nature abhors empty space.

    • March 29, 2017 at 6:51 pm

      Aha! So Nature is to blame for my crowded closets, and it’s not my fault! Thanks, Bill. 😉

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