The New GOP Required Reading List

 

Washington, D.C. –  Just released from the independently run, Office of Greater Republican Reading Requirements or GRRR! :

“We have issued an updated required reading list for all GOP congressional and executive branch members. You must complete all works before you are allowed to vote on any bill. You will be tested on the material—and just so you know—CliffsNotes won’t work. We know how you guys love the short cuts, but there will be detailed questions about the works below.”

 

Reading List:

1.One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss:  This work teaches so many lessons from basic reading skills to complex human interactions to acceptance of all no matter what race, gender or belief system.  Yes, it’s a great starter book for the GOP congressman or congresswoman who has to brush up on people skills. Plus, the sentences are really short so even our president-elect will be able to focus on the words.

2. The Archie Comic Books:  This iconic comic book series is truly symbolic of our new leader-to-be especially when Veronica (the rich brunette) and Betty (the girl-next-door blonde) fight for Archie’s love and attention. Nothing warms the new leader’s heart like young women finding him attractive. Congress might glean many a lesson from how Archie handles life in the hot seat as he strives to be the leader of his group which includes the egotistical Reggie and the sometimes foolish Jughead. Take note: if you are not into Archie, you could substitute a good Scooby-Doo mystery instead. The characters are similar and this group owns a van and a talking dog! No one gets mad at a talking dog plus the Scooby-Doo clan’s mystery-solving prowess could be a help to the GOP congress when it comes to figuring out terrorist organizations, alien invasions or Russian hacking.

 

 

3. I Have 2 Mommy’s by Carol Gentry-Harrod:  This book is meant for those who follow the same ideology as the next vice-president Mike Pence who, because they don’t accept homosexuality, like to preach that it’s an evil lifestyle.  To this belief, the GRRR says, “POO!”  And this book will change the way you look at same sex relationships. Written for the over 10 age group, it should—we hope—be at a suitable comprehension level for most GOP congress members as this work talks about love and family and life.  How can that be a bad thing?

 

And for those GOP members who have graduated from picture books to chapter books:

At first, we were going to throw in Gone with the Wind, but then we thought the new congress would say, “Damn, the wrong side won.”  So, we decided on …

4. Roots: The Saga of an AMERICAN Family by Alex Haley: Give it a shot and read about how the seeds of bigotry were sown.  Yes, Congressmen and Congresswomen, you might be a bit surprised. You probably weren’t taught this version of history or maybe you were taught to deny it.

5. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde: You might not know much about Oscar Wilde, but his character Dorian Gray was a hoot!  In this book, Mr. Gray, in an effort to preserve his youth, openly wishes that a portrait of himself would age and decay instead of his own body. He makes this bold request in the presence of an Egyptian statue that has the power to grant hedonistic wishes. As his evil lifestyle takes hold, Gray torments, blackmails, murders and crushes those around him with his wealth and power. We at GRRR know this sounds like a fun story, but not is all rosy with Gray who does have an ethical epiphany at the end and destroys the portrait which in turn destroys him.  There is always a silver lining.  

 

6. The Inferno by Dante Alighieri: Although this is a poem and part of The Divine Comedy, The Inferno  follows the trek of Dante as he makes his way through Hell  guided by the Roman poet Virgil. In this poem, Dante depicts Hell as nine concentric circles of suffering which are located within the Earth. He uses the circles to talk about rejected spiritual values, the desire for violence and hatred against our fellow humans, etc.  Yea, it’s a real uplifting experience and so much like the campaign! However, so no one says the GRRR doesn’t see the sunny side of life, take note…The Divine Comedy does have a happy ending so again…here’s to hope.

 

7. Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin: No one needs a good book on manners like the GOP who in their campaigns supported and encouraged brash, insulting and downright mean language. GRRR!!!!!!!! We have never witnessed such trash talking, horrific language from any one group be it about immigrants, the LGBT community, women, etc.   So, now that you are in a position of responsibility, it’s time to brush up on your civil tongue. We believe you should all attend charm school, at the taxpayer expense, since it will benefit the country. But since you will find a way out of that, we are offering you this book on manners for free.     

AND FINALLY,

The Physician’s Desk Reference: Because when you cut off healthcare for 20 million people without having a substitute in place, you better be prepared to diagnose and provide treatment for those who can no longer pay for it themselves.