14-Foot Python Lost in Indy Neighborhood

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) – Indianapolis-area police are warning people to be on the lookout for a 14-foot-long pet Burmese python that’s on the loose.
The Beech Grove Police Department says the constrictor is missing from home in the community on the southeast side of Indianapolis. Benny Tarplee says he thinks the python, named “Vine,” escaped through his back door late last week and he suspects she’s just hiding somewhere.
Tarplee says he spent three days searching his house before reporting her escape to police.
He describes the snake as a “big baby” who presents no threat to humans. Nevertheless, the Indianapolis Zoo says the constrictor could pose a threat to cats, dogs, and small children. Police say anyone who spots Vine should leave her alone and call 911.

Disclaimer: The part of Vine is played today by Fala, my cat who died in 2016 at age nineteen. I don’t do snake pictures.

As a news junkie, some stories give me a greater reaction than others. Yesterday I read this story about the missing Burmese python in the Indianapolis area, I was ready to move to a python-less Barrow, Alaska.

Certain details of this story bother me, and I have concerns.

1. The Indianapolis-area police recommend that people “be on the lookout” for the 14-foot-pet-python. What exactly does this mean? How does one go about “being on the lookout” for a 14-foot-pet-python? Opera glasses? Hubble Telescope from the moon? The roof of the house with a big net?

2. The southeast part of Indianapolis is 167 miles from my house. According to the San Diego Zoo, pythons only move one mile per hour. Assuming that varmint is headed for my deck (the Mecca for all animals on earth), simple math dictates I have more than six days to prepare (or pack for my northern move.) In researching this, I googled “how fast can a python go. ” I came across this shocking statement, which I later realized was about a weird water vehicle, WaterCar claims the Python can do 60 miles per hour (96.6 kilometers per hour, or 52.1 knots) in the water with its LS1 Corvette engine, and more than 125 miles per hour (201.2 kilometers per hour) on land. I am grateful that reptilian pythons don’t move 60 miles per hour which means I would have only three hours to bug out.

3. The snake’s name is “Vine.”  I don’t get it. Why not “Betty” or “Francine?” Why Vine?

4. The snake escaped through the back door, and I read in another article that the housekeeper left the back door unlocked. I said unlocked, not open. There’s a difference. This is frightening on many levels, thinking that this critter can go through an unlocked door that was closed. On the plus side, if the critter gets anywhere near our house, our 83-year-old housekeeper Doreen can easily take her. If I were the python, I’d be moving in the other direction to get away from Doreen.  She’s small, but she’s wiry.

5. Seriously, the owner spent THREE days searching his house before he reported his beloved python missing from his house. Damn, I would hate to be on that Neighborhood Watch tonight.

6. The owner describes the snake as a “big baby.” No, a big baby is Jonathan Winters dressed up as Mork’s baby on the 1970s sitcom “Mork and Mindy.” A 14-foot reptile is not a big baby.

7. While the owner noted that the snake is no threat to humans, the “Indianapolis Star” notes the exemption of “small children.” And cats and dogs as well.

8. Police said that anyone who spots the varmint should leave her alone and call 911. Again, what else would you do? Python rodeo? Disco dancing with the snake? Photo session? If I spot Vine, you will know because I’ll scream loud enough that everyone at the Indianapolis 500 track (obligatory race weekend mention) will hear me screaming louder than Florence Henderson’s high notes.

 

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2 thoughts on “14-Foot Python Lost in Indy Neighborhood”

  1. I once screamed loud enough to wake people in China when I saw a puny little garter snake in the ladies’ room sink in our church’s basement. A python? I think I would run 60 miles an hour if I saw one of those. :O

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