The recent Halloween holiday got me to thinking about horror movies: specifically, those that will appear in theaters in 2019. I emailed my one and only Hollywood friend, Murray the Mole, Bookmaker to the Stars, for information about what the big studios are planning to let loose on us next year. Murray’s report is as reliable as you would expect from a bookie, but it was the best I could do. For a too large financial consideration which I will not disclose here because I am embarrassed, he told me everything he had figured out.
It appears that the major studios have become concerned after numerous complaints from groups of people who are especially sensitive to things like eerie music, darkness, monsters, blood, and sudden fright but don’t want to miss any of the latest movies. Because they wish to avoid expensive lawsuits, the studios are planning to make horror movies that are more sensitive to the needs of vulnerable moviegoers among us. Among them are the following.
Are you ready? Warning: some spoilers, if you care about things like that.
FRANKENKITTY. Dr. Frankenstein is keenly aware of the spectacular failure of his experiment with trying to piece together a workable human being from dead parts. He decides to start again from the beginning with something small. He acquires several deceased cats, from which he makes and animates a new one. The monster kitty weighs about 25 pounds, and his coat is a patchwork of tortoiseshell, tuxedo, orange tabby and Siamese. His walk and other movements are stiff, his meow is low and loud, and he is stupid. He terrifies all the other cats, and no human wants him near. His only friend is a blind squirrel who shares a few acorns with him, which he promptly vomits. He is afraid of catnip toys. The other cats of the neighborhood chase him, and he dies in a hail of catnip balls. The End.
BRIDE OF FRANKENKITTY. Dr. Frankenstein re-animates his feline creature and decides to create a female cat for him. He sends his scary assistant, Ivan, to scour the area for newly deceased female cats. Ivan is so diligent that pet cats with names like Queenie and Suzie begin disappearing from households all over the neighborhood. Angry cat owners descend on Dr. Frankenstein’s castle and try to storm it, without success. In the meantime, the doctor makes a female replica of his male creature and animates her. The male cat creature approaches the female, thinking that, at last, something will love him and be his friend. Instead, she hisses and swats at him. Disappointed and discouraged, the male cat creature jumps up onto a bookcase, overturning a lighted lamp which sets fire to the entire castle. The End.
THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN. All of the children in a small New England town come down with sugar overload syndrome after bingeing on Halloween candy. Also, a few angry ghosts have been disturbed by teenagers who invaded the local cemetery and wrote dirty words on their gravestones. The ghosts know who the teenagers are because they used to live next door to some of the delinquents in question, and they are out for revenge. Will the brave young doctor from New York and his ghost whisperer girlfriend be able to save the town? Nobody is telling … yet.
That has only been a smattering of the planned offerings for next year. If you would like further information, leave a comment below, and I’ll
make up write another one of these previews for you.