Alien Probe May Arrive, Says Harvard Researchers

With all the major news happening in the world, you may have missed this startling story. Aliens are headed our way. The Pan-STARRS telescope in Hawaii first spotted an unusual object in space on October 19, 2017. According to USA Today, “It’s been dubbed a comet, an asteroid, and a new class of interstellar object. Now, a paper from Harvard astronomers suggests one more possibility into the mysterious object nicknamed “Oumuamua” Alien Probe.”

I don’t know how you feel about this, but I think it is good news.

“Oumuamua,” the first known external object to enter our solar system appears to be gaining energy and moving more swiftly as it approaches our sun. (When I read “Oumuamua,” I think of “Ugha Chucka” from “Hooked on a Feeling” by Blue Suede.) The name from the Hawaiian language means “scout” or “messenger.”

The Harvard researchers noted that if the solar radiation pressure is the reason for the object’s acceleration, this is a new class of “thin interstellar material” and is either naturally made or through artificial means.

Yes, artificial means! Eggheads in a lab on Cambridge, Ninth Solar System from Another Sun, say it may be so. It wasn’t just the Harvard folks who found this object. The Very Large Telescope in Chili (apparently named after a Very Special Blossom) determined what looks, to me from the drawing, as a giant fountain pen, was traveling for millions of years before it encountered our Milky Way.

Imagine if, like in our iconic spaceman movies, the object lands in Washington, D.C., and an ancient alien astronaut tells the first person he encounters, “Take me to your leader.” Will the aliens be taken directly to Oprah?

If the object is an alien probe, and we assume they possess all the knowledge that Jor-El gave to Superman before Krypton blew up, I have suggestions they can offer our planet. Of course let’s get rid of all poverty, hatred, climate change, war, and all that is harmful to man, beast, and the planet. And let’s make voting fair all over the world. That goes without saying. Now for more nuanced requests.

• Get rid of earworms. I’ve heard Kenny Rogers sing “Ruby Don’t Take Your Love to Town,” in my head for about two weeks now. Before that, it was “The Gambler.” I don’t like Kenny Rogers. I want him to go away. If the aliens can’t get rid of earworms, can we choose or are we destined to hear a few notes and hold onto them for weeks? How about J.S. Bach for a change?

• Bring back car keys instead of fobs. Most people getting an updated car are thrilled with the convenience of the fob for about two years. Then the battery runs out. A  replacement fob for my car is $400. If I drive the car for ten years, that’s another two grand.

• Make passwords universal and secure. Our power went out yesterday for a couple of hours. When I went to report the outage on my phone, the energy company asked for my account number AND my password. I don’t know about you, but I don’t routinely carry my password and account number on me, nor did I have the inclination to go to my husband’s office in the dark basement to dig through his files. I cannot remember twenty passwords and usernames, that have to be routinely changed for security purposes every ninety days.

• Ban TV commercials that address bodily functions. I don’t care that the bear “enjoys the go.” I don’t want to hear about urinary incontinence, crooked penises (peni?), erectile dysfunction, and the plethora of other distasteful things. Could a commercial for a Swamp Ass product be next? Imagine a tiger cub in running clothes? “Do you experience distress in the nether regions after your morning run? Try new Swamp–Butt-Be-Gone, available in all major stores.” Let’s keep medical promotion where it belongs, in the hands of pushy pharmaceutical reps competing with sick people for a doctor’s time. (Disclaimer: I was one of those people for ten years. Sold products for urinary incontinence and erectile dysfunction. You should hear my presentation on the little-known Fifth Stage of Erection, the Diamond Cutter Stage. Brings down the house every time.)

• Make a freaking grocery cart that works. Our grocery redesigned the entire store and made the aisles narrower. Not wider, but narrower. Shortly after, the store purchased new carts. There can be 600 carts waiting for me, and I will always select the one with the wheel that turns the cart sideways as you push it. Go back for another one, same thing. Aliens: please design grocery stories for humans and make carts that roll straight and smoothly.

Perhaps our scientists will keep us posted, so we’ll know an ETA for our alien visitors. Of course, they could be bad actors (like Dudley Moore in “Arthur”) and blast us to Kingdom Come like in “Independence Day.” While I think we will likely benefit from their knowledge and visit, I’m publicly putting Will Smith and Bill Paxton on notice in case they need to save the universe.