Colorful Language | HumorOutcasts

Colorful Language

June 14, 2018
By

Today I am grateful for colorful language.  And I’m not talking about the primary colors, I’m talking about the language that needs a six second delay.  This is a necessary blog because I spent 3 hours on the phone with seven different people at Verizon Fios, Verizon Wireless and Verizon On-Line Chat and if I hope to sleep tonight, I have to write it out.  Lucky you.

 

Chat?  What a crock!  I have listened to enough canned music to qualify me for the trapped-in-an-elevator Olympics.

 

I have heard enough pitches, excuses and lies to constrict my blood vessels making me feel as though I was for sure having a stroke, but couldn’t hang up, had to risk it, because I’d have to start all over again.

 

Thankfully I have one of those not so new-fangled-cordless-phones and I managed to straighten up my house, go to the bathroom a few times, get some water, tend to plants, and pretend I was getting a lobotomy, all while on hold. . .listening to “musak”.

 

I’m not answering any customer satisfaction surveys from Verizon because I’m done!  I’m not going to their store to “speak with a representative who can change your pin” on a phone we haven’t had for over six months because I’m done!  I’m not listening to anymore crap about my “patience” while I wait interminably or about how I’m a “valued” customer.  Done!  Done!  Done!

 

I’m caving.  I’m paying the paltry amount I’ve been haggling about for six months because I can’t take it anymore.  I just can’t.  The fifth time someone suggested I “GO IN TO A STORE” to get it resolved was too much.  Been there, done that, got the bone spurs to prove it.  ”Oh, you mean I could be having all this fun in a line. . .in a store with no chairs. . .and people who aren’t old enough to vote yet. . .and wouldn’t even if they were?”  Gee and I was having so much fun on the phone with YOU, asshole!  Besides, then my house wouldn’t be straightened up.

 

It doesn’t even matter that they are winning because I no longer give a shit.  I just want it done!  And Himself, who talked me off of a wall of hysterics, including screaming, tears and more snot than a toddler produces in flu season, agrees.  “Pay the money.  It’s not worth it.” Since my rantrum (new word) my headache is also gone and that’s as much bright side as I can muster.

 

But he’s right.  It’s not worth it.  I’m also not changing companies either because I have heard too many horror stories from people using other places, too.  There is an epidemic of bad service, customer dissatisfaction, increasing costs and less results.  No one gives a shit.  Especially me.

 

Verizon scores.  Mary loses.  But in the heat of the battle I win the gold for most creative use of colorful language.  Not necessarily proud of that. . .but not ashamed, either, because my head did not explode all over the rug.  I wouldn’t allow it because then I’d have to clean that mess up, too! Done!  Done!  Done!

(If you’d like to read more of my missives, go to http://heartprintsdotcom.wordpress.com)

 

Mary Mooney

From cranking hair in my Midwestern town of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to eastern Pennsylvania, to three years writing for large hotels in Jakarta, Indonesia, humor has been my constant.

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