Colorful Language | HumorOutcasts

Colorful Language

June 14, 2018

Today I am grateful for colorful language.  And I’m not talking about the primary colors, I’m talking about the language that needs a six second delay.  This is a necessary blog because I spent 3 hours on the phone with seven different people at Verizon Fios, Verizon Wireless and Verizon On-Line Chat and if I hope to sleep tonight, I have to write it out.  Lucky you.


Chat?  What a crock!  I have listened to enough canned music to qualify me for the trapped-in-an-elevator Olympics.


I have heard enough pitches, excuses and lies to constrict my blood vessels making me feel as though I was for sure having a stroke, but couldn’t hang up, had to risk it, because I’d have to start all over again.


Thankfully I have one of those not so new-fangled-cordless-phones and I managed to straighten up my house, go to the bathroom a few times, get some water, tend to plants, and pretend I was getting a lobotomy, all while on hold. . .listening to “musak”.


I’m not answering any customer satisfaction surveys from Verizon because I’m done!  I’m not going to their store to “speak with a representative who can change your pin” on a phone we haven’t had for over six months because I’m done!  I’m not listening to anymore crap about my “patience” while I wait interminably or about how I’m a “valued” customer.  Done!  Done!  Done!


I’m caving.  I’m paying the paltry amount I’ve been haggling about for six months because I can’t take it anymore.  I just can’t.  The fifth time someone suggested I “GO IN TO A STORE” to get it resolved was too much.  Been there, done that, got the bone spurs to prove it.  ”Oh, you mean I could be having all this fun in a line. . .in a store with no chairs. . .and people who aren’t old enough to vote yet. . .and wouldn’t even if they were?”  Gee and I was having so much fun on the phone with YOU, asshole!  Besides, then my house wouldn’t be straightened up.


It doesn’t even matter that they are winning because I no longer give a shit.  I just want it done!  And Himself, who talked me off of a wall of hysterics, including screaming, tears and more snot than a toddler produces in flu season, agrees.  “Pay the money.  It’s not worth it.” Since my rantrum (new word) my headache is also gone and that’s as much bright side as I can muster.


But he’s right.  It’s not worth it.  I’m also not changing companies either because I have heard too many horror stories from people using other places, too.  There is an epidemic of bad service, customer dissatisfaction, increasing costs and less results.  No one gives a shit.  Especially me.


Verizon scores.  Mary loses.  But in the heat of the battle I win the gold for most creative use of colorful language.  Not necessarily proud of that. . .but not ashamed, either, because my head did not explode all over the rug.  I wouldn’t allow it because then I’d have to clean that mess up, too! Done!  Done!  Done!

(If you’d like to read more of my missives, go to


Mary Mooney

From cranking hair in my Midwestern town of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to eastern Pennsylvania, to three years writing for large hotels in Jakarta, Indonesia, humor has been my constant.

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