Dogs vs. Holiday Meals: Fa-La-La-La-Laaa, La, Aach! Haauk! Blaarf! | HumorOutcasts

Dogs vs. Holiday Meals: Fa-La-La-La-Laaa, La, Aach! Haauk! Blaarf!

December 19, 2018
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In this festive season of holiday parties, bountiful meals, and homemade cookies embellished with those silver ball-bearing things, take comfort knowing that your canines are in the dog park, plotting.

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “OK, everyone! Finish up at the water bowl and let’s start this meeting.”

DACHSHUND: (Quietly to others) “He’s such a herder!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “What’s that now?”

DACHSHUND: “I said we heard you!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Is everyone here? Where’s Roxy the Boxer?

BEAGLE: “Remember? After his disagreement with Giant Police at the playground, he moved to a farm. In a black van. With bars.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Well, now he can run and run all day.”

DACHSHUND: (Quietly to others) “Pretty sure they killed him!”

LABRADOR RETRIEVER: “Can we move this along? I’ve things to fetch!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Does anyone know what Special Season this is?”

None respond. Many tilt heads.

FRENCH BULLDOG: “Flea and tick?”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “No, it’s that time of year when Giant families and Giant friends gather in great packs to laugh and hug and sing and tell stories. And do you know why?”

SAINT BERNARD: “Tell it, Rev!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “I’ve no idea! But there’s a lot of food and a lot of distraction. That means opportunities. So let’s share tactics. Big dogs! What’cha got?”

<strong>Certain traditional holiday foods might be too tempting to dogs. And hunters.</strong>

Certain traditional holiday foods might be too tempting to dogs. And hunters.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Even when the tables are full of food, I sit by my Giant and patiently await instructions.”

All groan in unison.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Uh…sometimes I’ll ask for a small treat. But only if I’ve saved someone from a burning house or located a missing child.”

PUG: (Sneering) “Therapy dog!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “None of that, now! (To Golden) Anything…useful?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: (Quietly) “Sometimes…sometimes I ‘accidently’ tip the garbage can and nose through it.”

Encouraging howls!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Then I bark and blame raccoons!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “That’s a good one! Anybody else?”

MINIATURE SCHNAUZER: “Everybody know about pockets? Amazing what Giants keep in those things. Once I found a chicken leg just like one my Giant took away earlier.”

BRISBY THE SCHNOODLE: “What happened to the rest of the chicken?”

MINIATURE SCHNAUZER: “No one knows.”

BRISBY THE SCHNOODLE: “I’m so hungry!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Small dogs! You add a unique perspective. Any party hints for us?”

COCKER SPANIEL: “Keep near the Giant Toddler. They’re, like, made out of food!”

SHIH TZU: “Salmon comes in many shapes. Stay focused!”

MALTESE: “ʻCharcuterie’ isn’t as dangerous as it sounds!”

BUDLEIGH THE TERRIER: “I climb on the table and shove my head in the casserole.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Really? Where’d you learn that?”

BUDLEIGH THE TERRIER: “Roxy the Boxer.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Hmmmm… Don’t think I want to end up on Roxy’s farm.”

DACHSHUND: “He’s deee-ead! Hellooo!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Great tips everyone! Now, before we adjourn for a pee, let’s all remind ourselves of foods to avoid at the holiday tables. Say it with me: ‘For grapes and raisins…’ C’mon! ‘For grapes and raisins—’”

DOGS: (In unison) “—Curb your cravins’.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Onions and bread dough—”

DOGS: “‘Warning! Go slow!”.

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “—And nix to chocolate…C’mon! ‘And nix to chocolate—ʼ”

DOGS: “—because it contains theobromine, a toxic component difficult for canine systems to properly metabolize!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Good dogs!”

###

Sleeping between Giants welcomes your comments. Probably….

Dave Jaffe

Writer, columnist, former Chicago reporter, humorist Dave Jaffe has written for online, print, television, and radio. Creative, clever, witty – these are traits that kept Dave in detention for most of the eighth grade. But as an adult those skills led to multiple award-winning columns and commentary, numerous published articles and essays, and even sketches for Bozo the Clown. Dave’s blog, Sleeping between Giants – which explores life, if you could call it that, with a terrier – received the 2018 and 2017 National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards for humor blogs. His work has twice been honored with Peter A. Lisagor awards by the Chicago Headline Club, and by the Parenting Publications of America.

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2 Responses to Dogs vs. Holiday Meals: Fa-La-La-La-Laaa, La, Aach! Haauk! Blaarf!

  1. Debra
    December 19, 2018 at 5:24 pm

    “ʻCharcuterie’ isn’t as dangerous as it sounds!” Soooo funny. Great posting!

  2. December 19, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    It’s a great time of the year for pets who aren’t on the farm!



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