Today we have another excerpt from the funny book Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute by Perrry Block. Available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle, this book will keep you laughing. You can follow Perry on Facebook, Twitter and also you can read more of his work on his blog PerryBlock.com.
Platonically Incorrect
I’ve been buddies with my good friend Ellen for almost 30 years. Our relationship has always been platonic.
But my last engagement in non-platonic activity was a long time ago, and when I say a long time ago I’m talking presidential administrations, not weeks.
And so it came to pass that in winter this old man’s fancy turned to behavior that was, to put it candidly, platonically incorrect.
“It’s good to see you, Perry. Did you bring the movie page?”
“Yes, Ellen, but it’s so cold outside. And they’re talking flurries!”
“But I want to go to the movies.”
“How about we stay in, get cozy on the couch, and maybe watch something romantic?”
“Romantic? Us? Like what?”
“Romantic like … the sexiest show with the most nudity we can find on
HBO!”
“No way! I’m not watching a bunch of overly tattooed guys pretend to have sex with vacuous coked-out blondes with big tits.”
“You just described half a dozen of my favorite movies.”
“Perry, I want to go out.”
“Hey, Ellen … I brought wine! And glasses.”
“Glasses? Those are beer mugs!”
“Here you go, kid! To your health! And your stamina!”
“What is going on with you, Perry?”
“Ellen, did you ever hear of the expression ‘friends with benefits?'”
“Now I get it. You’re feeling horny.”
“That’s not true! What I happen to feel is the need for a night of closeness, true bonding, and deepening ties between us. And yeah … I’m feeling horny.”
“So you want to enroll in benefits, eh, mister?”
“Beats TrumpCare.”
“I’m sorry, Perry, I’m not having sex with you. We’re good friends, and I want to keep it that way.”
“You know we’re not really such good friends. We have nothing in common.”
“We have everything in common! We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, mythology, and making fun of Nicholas Cage movies.”
“Is that all?”
“Perry, I’m not going to screw you.”
“One time. Just one time! Pretty please?”
“Not going to happen.”
“Fine, Ellen! What movie do you want to see anyway?”
“There’s a revival I want to see downtown.”
“What’s that?”
“Carnal Knowledge.”