Lapsed Catholics Meet in Rome to Pick New Anti-Pope | HumorOutcasts

Lapsed Catholics Meet in Rome to Pick New Anti-Pope

August 5, 2018
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ROME, New York.  Jerry Scalabrizzi is stepping down from what he describes as “the best job in the world,” but he says it’s time for new blood in the organization he has led for the past four years.  “Our membership has grown dramatically, and we’ve never been more profitable, so I’m leaving at a good time,” he says as he puts on his mitre, the ceremonial hat that comes with his position, for one last public appearance.  “I just need a break from people kissing my ring–my hand is always dripping with saliva.”


Jerry blesses his followers for the last time.

 

Scalabrizzi’s title for the past four years has been Anti-Pope Jerry I, and his job description has been leader of the world’s fastest growing religious denomination–Lapsed Catholics.


“I’ll be here all week–be sure and tip your waitress!”

 

“Lapsed or ‘Lite’ Catholicism has many advantages over the ‘Regular’ kind,” says Elias Marsignetti of the University of Illinois-Kankakee School of Divinity.  “You get to sleep late on Sundays, you can eat meat on days of abstinence, and you only have to go to church when one of your fraternity brothers gets married.”

Both versions of Catholicism compete in the world market for religious adherents, but Lapsed Catholicism is holding its own even against currently fashionable brands such as Islam and Scientology.  “Moslems can’t drink beer, and Scientology wants all your cash up front,” says A.J. “Pete” Kondrecki who tends bar at St. Peter’s Bar & Grille, the “Sistine Chapel” of the religion.  “We’ve got a Friday night Pabst Blue Ribbon and Burger Basket Special for only $8.99, so you get buzzed and your money goes a lot further.”


Templeton with manager Whitey Herzog:  “You can’t swear at fans–that’s MY job.”

 

The new Antipope will be selected by the church’s College of Cardinals, a legislative body that worships Garry Templeton, a shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals who in 1981 responded to a heckling fan by shouting “Fuck you, I’ve found Jesus.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of two novels (most recently "Making Partner"), a baseball book about the Red Sox and the Yankees ("The Year of the Gerbil"), ten published plays and 45 books of humor available in print and Kindle formats on amazon.com. My latest book "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" was released by HumorOutcasts Press last year. My humor has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor, The Boston Globe and Barron's, and I am working on a biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player for Oxford University Press .

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5 Responses to Lapsed Catholics Meet in Rome to Pick New Anti-Pope

  1. August 6, 2018 at 6:12 am

    Shalom, Jerry.

  2. August 5, 2018 at 10:41 pm

    He only stayed on for four years? I thought popes were supposed to be popes until they died or got too old to walk!

    • August 7, 2018 at 9:48 am

      *rim shot*

    • August 7, 2018 at 9:49 am

      We had to impose term limits, some Anti-Popes were hanging around forever, getting ecumenical with the Presbyterians.



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