Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/17/18 | HumorOutcasts

Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/17/18

May 17, 2018
By

 

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rudy Giuliani parted company with his law firm

… and his sanity.

Melania Trump starts ‘Be Best’ campaign

Or, as it’s also known, ‘Just Say No to Grammar.’

Nestle is paying $7.2 billion to sell Starbucks coffee

What’s that like a 1/2 dozen Venti Frappuccinos?

Gibson guitar maker files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection

… guess all their deals really did have strings attached.

North Korea frees 3 American prisoners ahead of a planned Trump-Kim summit

Must’ve been awkward ’cause I thought he didn’t like people who got captured.

Eric Schneiderman, accused by 4 women, quits as New York Attorney General

Look for the new movie ‘Fifty Shades of What the Hell is Wrong With You?’

Kansas man arrested for allegedly trying to have sex with car

… woulda got away with it, if he hadn’t put in a claim for the car getting rear ended.

Trump paid back Michael Cohen for Stormy Daniel slush fund pay offs in installments

Now that’s a lay-a-way plan.

Katy Perry ends Taylor Swift feud with actual olive branch

So, that’s what Jared Kushner’s been up to… instead of working on the Middle East.

Novartis paid Cohen $1.2 Million for a single meeting

Novartis is the worst name ever for a porn Star…

Reports are that John McCain doesn’t want Trump at his funeral

It wasn’t likely anyway unless they bury McCain on a golf course.

It’s Mother’s Day!

Or, as Mike Pence calls it ‘Creepy Pet Name for Your Wife Day.’

Town & Country apologizes for dis-inviting Monica Lewinsky to an event after Bill Clinton RSVP’d

I get it, but the only way it would have been more awkward is if the event was held at a BJ’s Restaurant.

AT&T CEO: We made ‘big mistake’ hiring Cohen, chief lobbyist out

Adding: “We shoulda gone to Jared!”

.

 

 

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa’s indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he’s written standup material that’s been performed on “Fallon,” "Maher" “Letterman,” “Conan” and “Last Comic Standing.” His humor pieces have been accepted at American Bystander, McSweeney‘s, The New Yorker, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal and Humor Times. He has won awards from the National Soc. of Newspaper Columnists, London's Blogger's Bash and Univ. of Dayton's Bombeck Workshop. Now, on to Paul’s time commanding Special Forces in Khandahar…

More Posts

Share this Post:

Tags: , , , , , , ,

2 Responses to Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/17/18

  1. May 19, 2018 at 6:43 pm

    Good ones! 😀

    • Paul
      May 20, 2018 at 11:50 am

      Thanks!



User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle


New Release
The Astounding Misadventures of Rory Collins
By Brian Kiley and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



New Release
Rats, Mice, And Other Things You Can't Take to The Bank: An Inspirational Collection of Essays from Humorous to Simply Human
By Leslie Handler. and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle






Archives