Your Sergeant-at-Arms Campaign Guide | HumorOutcasts

Your Sergeant-at-Arms Campaign Guide

March 7, 2018
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This year’s mid-term elections promise to be the most exciting since the last mid-term elections four years ago. As a result, many people will be inspired to get involved in politics or even consider public office in an effort to make the world a better place. For those so motivated, there is a veritable smorgasbord of positions at the local, state and federal levels through which one can make a difference; president, senator, congressman/woman, governor or city council.

For the rest of you, there’s sergeant-at-arms.


Bitchin’ cool sergeant-at-arms outfit.

 

One naive source defines “sergeant-at-arms” as “An officer appointed by a legislative body, whose duties are to enforce the orders given by such bodies, generally under the warrant of its presiding officer.” In practice, the nation’s sergeants-at-arms form a clandestine paramilitary network whose members buy weird-looking outfits from mail-order Sergeant-at-Arms supply catalogs and intimidate their subjects with the looming threat of physical harm and financial ruin.

sergeant
Sergeant-at-Arms, Sioux Falls SD Rotary Club: “You sit down–right now!”

 

At the high school level, the office of sergeant-at-arms is viewed as a painless resume enhancer, requiring less work than class president or even Senior Prom Committee member. Despite the minimal duties involved, sergeants-at-arms are treated as full-fledged class officers in the school yearbook and at senior awards assembly.


High school sergeant-at-arms: “Don’t you dare stick your gum under that desk.”

 

The office of sergeant-at-arms subjects an individual to a minimal risk of assassination, since SAAs are usually at least three heartbeats away from power, after president, vice president and treasurer. While there is no standard set of sergeant-at-armly duties, here are the responsibilities that one professional organization expects of those who would wield the awesome powers of the office:

1. Arrange room prior to meeting, including tables and chairs.

2. Manage and maintain all club equipment between meetings.

3. Greet members and guests, introduce other officers.

4. Attack competing fraternal organizations, take members hostage.


“I repossessed your car because you were behind in your dues, maggot.”

 

What does it take to become a sergeant-at-arms? First and foremost, the moral courage to run for the office when all about you languish in apathy and cynicism. Second, you must persuade people to vote for you. Tip O’Neill, the legendary Massachusetts congressman, said the way to get votes was to ask for them. In other words, you must persuade your friends and colleagues that you deserve to be elected to an office where you will have little to do, and less authority to do it with.

If you can convince yourself and others that you’re the right person for such a job, you have a bright political future ahead of you.

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of two novels (most recently "Making Partner"), a baseball book about the Red Sox and the Yankees ("The Year of the Gerbil"), ten published plays and 45 books of humor available in print and Kindle formats on amazon.com. My latest book "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" was released by HumorOutcasts Press last year. My humor has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor, The Boston Globe and Barron's, and I am working on a biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player for Oxford University Press .

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One Response to Your Sergeant-at-Arms Campaign Guide

  1. March 14, 2018 at 5:01 am

    There’s a catalogue? I want one!



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