Professional Advice from a Licensed Dog
So, when the village rebuilt the sidewalk in front of the house, they had to take down my silver maple tree. Or more precisely, Kippy’s silver maple tree, as he has been – how shall I phrase this – nurturing it 2 – 3 times a day for eight years. He’s handled it pretty well, although it’s shaken his faith in government. Now they’ve upended Kippy’s favorite street sign at the end of the block which he’s also nurtured all these years. His world is coming apart. He’s outwardly stoic, but instead of gazing at me with the face of an adoring pup, now he glares with the cold, dead eyes of a mob hit man who’s been double crossed.
Is that normal?
Sleeping with One Eye Open,
Dale, Oak Park, Illinois
Budleigh the Terrier says:
Dear Dale and Kippy,
Kippy’s right. Government has failed. So screams my Yelly Giant who throws a lot of stuff at Anderson Cooper.
But there’s a bigger picture. One to be gleaned from watching not just my Giants’ news programming, but their baking shows, and home shopping. Oh, and that one where everyone gets chopped up with swords and there’s a dragon?
Through this research I’ve learned about how infrastructure crumbles leaving roads and bridges in disrepair, cakes and pies overbaked, reasonably priced zircon necklaces abandoned, and villages decimated by dragon fire.
My takeaway: Government hasn’t just failed. It’s failed dogs. Yet another reason I choose not to vote. And snarl at pollsters.
I agree with Kippy. What’s the value in uprooting a perfectly pee-worthy tree, upending a canine endorsed street sign when so much of this deteriorating nation could collapse with a single robust sneeze? Is that the point of Infrastructure Week, which is like Shark Week only fictional?
Forgive my howling, the this has become a deeply personal issue since they tore out my puppy swings.
The puppy-faced toddler swings on the playground in the park didn’t belong to me so much as they belonged to the world. But they looked like me. Decorated with black ears and black-and-white muzzles, the bucket swings resembled my skull with a Giant child sitting inside.
Not as spooky as it sounds.
Because I passed the playground to and from the dog park, Giant children treated me as a celebrity, giggling shyly, tentatively petting me, or trying to sit in my skull. I accepted this attention as I enjoy Giant children, even when they’re off leash.
Then the Government tore out the toddler swings and leveled the playground. Yet Anderson Cooper said nothing!
New equipment has been installed including featureless swings, a spinning thing, a bigger spinning thing, a thing that doesn’t spin but has knobs, and a slide that, alone in the night, spins and grows knobs.
Nothing looks like me anymore. That’s racism! Species-ism?
So yes, Dale, Kippy’s response in perfectly normal. Quite restrained, even. Imagine how upset he’d be if Giant children no longer tried to sit in his skull.