Hallmark Love

There’s no more euphoric, all-consuming, thrilling, scary, lunacy-like feeling than falling in love. But my wife of 29 years frowns upon my falling in love with anyone I might come into proximity to in actual life, so that has led me to the Hallmark channel. Not every relationship clicks, but I do fall in love about half the time. I like the odds.

Yes, I know there’s a formula, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s not formula like in baby formula but rather formula like in Formula 1 racing. It’s a formula, in other words, that gets my motor revving.

Right now, I’m in love with pretty-as-a-princess Merritt Patterson; cute, complicated, red-headed Alicia Witt; innocent, soulful, soft-voiced Erin Krakow; and Arielle Kebbel. Yes, Arielle did distance herself from me when she took a villain role in Fifty Shades Freed, but I forgive her. Love means accepting someone even with all her (or his) faults.

I used to also be in love with Lacey Chabert. (Who can resist her irresistible giggle?) But I’ve been unfaithful to her so many times now that I feel guilty, and we’ve drifted apart.

To be completely honest, I’ve had too many cinematic flings, infatuations, and one-film stands to enumerate here. I’m pretty promiscuous with my affections. That’s what happens when you’re too teleplayful.

An advantage of this kind of TV love is that you never have to do the work of staying in love. One kiss and Boom! it’s all overinstantlyand the credits start to roll. You then have only until the next Saturday at 8:00 p.m. to heal your shattered heart so you can give it freely to your next leading lady or gentleman. I have proposed to several, have even married a few, but, fortunately, the next time I see them they have bad cases of amnesia, and I get to fall in love all over again.

I can’t tell you how many high-paying jobs and promotions, big-city residencies, and other girlfriends and fiancées I’ve vicariously given up for the sake of vicarious love. But these heroic sacrifices are a small price to pay considering the support and encouragement you’ll receive for believing in yourself, for believing in true love, for smelling the roses, for putting people over profits, and for dreaming big and pursuing your bliss. You’ll be so self-actualized and enlightened and no longer anal-retentive that you’ll be happy no matter how penniless you might be. No matter how chaotic your present or how unplanned your future. Can one really put a price on happiness? On love that is true? On the steady, blue-eyed, loving gaze of a fantasy soulmate?

When all this magic of romance is combined with the magic of Christmas, well . . . the sparks turn into a full-blown fireworks finale extravaganza! And you get to kiss in the falling snow. Does this holiday formula work? Last year more than 70 million viewers thought so.

If you’re looking for the dizzying giddiness of falling head over heels without any real-life entanglements, without the risk of divorce or of a Fatal Attraction scenario, stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Instead, open your heart and make a datewith the Hallmark channel.

Even if you don’t find perfect love, at least you’ll learn an awful lot about cupcakes.

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8 thoughts on “Hallmark Love”

  1. If only my ex boyfriend had limited himself to falling helplessly in love with actresses on the Hallmark Channel instead of having an actual secret girlfriend for over a decade. (A sordid tale that would definitely NOT make a good Hallmark Channel movie…)

    1. There’s nothing funny about what happened to you. I admire you that you’ve been able to keep being a humorist.

      (For about 8 months after Trump was elected, I couldn’t write anything but the bitterest satire.)

  2. Great piece. I watched one last night that was set in Ireland. Couldn’t bring myself to fall in love with even one of the male characters. Too skinny, like Ickabod Crane. Poor things just didn’t ring my bell. I guess I’ll have to keep watching. Loved your story.

    1. Casting is crucial. If the leads aren’t likable, if there’s no onscreen chemistry, if I’m not rooting for the couple to get together, I quit watching.
      I hope you have better luck next time.

  3. I’m finding it hard to channel my attention, Bill. One one hand, I DO want to learn a lot about cupcakes but on the other hand, the batteries in the remote are dead. I think I need change in my life.

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