Last night, in bunion distress, I tossed out the last of my chic pointy high heels. My achy feet rejoiced, but my stylish soul cried out in despair. Later, seeking new comfortable shoes to buy, I discovered — to my extreme horror — Crocs are still a thing!
They’re not just a “thing,” they’re proliferating — like mushrooms, mildew, and nuclear weapons. Now, I understand Crocs are comfortable. And I endorse comfort. Nurses deserve comfort. Teachers deserve comfort. Hairdressers too. Anyone working on their feet all day deserves it. And now that I’m older and bunion-y, I deserve it too.
But there are limits.
And the Makers of Crocs Have Gone a Step too Far!
There are now goth Crocs. KFC fried chicken-scented Crocs. Balenciaga stiletto Crocs. Sequined wedding Crocs. And in a sure sign that Crocs have gone to the dogs, there are even mini-Crocs for pups!
Crocs for pups? OK. They sound cute. But they’re also one step short of animal cruelty. Still, knowing you’re panting for the details, here goes: They come in blue and measure 2.76×1.15×1.15 inches. So, obviously, they’re only for small dogs. This, I think, is a safety measure. Put a pair of Crocs on even the gentlest of big dogs and you’re begging for trouble.
And Speaking of the Big Dogs
For those of you trying to mix chic with comfort, consider high-heeled Crocs compliments of Balenciaga’s Spring 2022 collection — available in black, gray, and bright green. The Balenciaga x Crocs 80 MM Mule (or the Crocs from Hell as I like to call them) are expected to retail for about $1,000. One headline writer gushed, “You’ll Look Sensibly Fierce.” Personally, I think you’ll look insensibly silly.
Goth Crocs come in unisex black. (You were expecting baby pink goth?) They feature nickel-plated spikes and high-sheen stainless steel chains. Retail price: $240. Now that’s a fright!
From Black to White
In my Crocs research, I found a pair of white sequin crystal wedding Crocs on Etsy. Price: $109.99. My high-priced high-heeled wedding shoes were so painful that even back then in my pre-bunion days, I practically limped down the aisle! Maybe comfort over style hidden under a long wedding gown won’t have been such a bad idea.
Kentucky Fried? Oh, My!
Of all the Crocs I read about, the most ridiculous was last year’s fad — the KFC-Croc partnership of fried chicken-scented shoes with red and white stripes on the bottom and removable charms in the shape of a drumstick. They originally sold for $59.99 but can still be found on eBay for $150.
All this proves … Well, I don’t know what it proves. I just wish I could wear high heels again. And that ain’t no crock of you know what!