Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, whose opposition to mask and vaccination mandates has drawn national attention in recent months, informed reporters yesterday that he was simply acting on a command from The Almighty.
“I was watching a Marlins game on TV in early April when the screen went blank, and then God’s visage appeared where the Marlins batter had been standing just moments ago. God told me that Florida’s population had grown too large, and that the ‘herd needed to be culled’. A few seconds later, the game returned to the screen.
“The implications of His message could not have been more clear: the pandemic must be allowed to claim the weak, the vulnerable, and the stupid. Requiring Floridians to wear masks and get vaccinated was not permissible. I knew I had a tough decision to make — the resulting controversy could cost me my job in the next election. But The Creator had spoken directly to me that night. I had no choice. I am a man of God.
“Embrace the Delta variant, citizens of Florida. Don’t make me release alligators into the public water supply.”