National Weather Service Issues “Red Flag” Wildfire Warning for Ted Cruz’s Beard

In a Monday morning posting on its website, the National Weather Service announced that the facial hair of Texas Senator Ted Cruz represents a significant fire hazard. 

“Think of the Senator’s beard as a tinderbox of kudzu proliferating throughout the corridors of the Capitol Building, just waiting to be ignited,” says NWS Deputy Director Mary C. Erickson.  “We are collaborating with the District of Columbia Fire Department to make sure that at least two fire marshals accompany Mr. Cruz at all times when Congress is in session, spray-misting his beard with an atomizer filled with lavender water.  No one — I repeat — NO ONE should strike a match within 10 feet of the Senator.  That would be the equivalent of aiming a flamethrower at a haystack.”

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