As Hurricane Ian Batters Florida Coast, DeSantis Airlifts Entire Population of State to Martha’s Vineyard

Chaos erupted on Martha’s Vineyard Wednesday morning as 22 million Floridians parachuted onto the tiny island from military transport planes supplied by the Sunshine State’s National Guard.

“We’re totally overwhelmed here,” says Vineyard Chamber of Commerce Executive Director Carolina Cooney.  “We typically provide every visitor with a complimentary pair of salmon Bermuda shorts when they arrive, but our inventory was wiped out by 7:45 am today.  Of course, you can forget about local dining establishments having enough lobster rolls for these folks.  This is the beginning of our off-season, you know.  Lots of places have already closed.  And what are we supposed to do with all these f***king parachutes covering the island?  It would have been nice if Governor DeSantis had given us a heads up.”

For his part, DeSantis was unapologetic.  “So you’re telling me that it’s OK for New Englanders to invade our state every winter when the weather up there begins to suck the big one, but we can’t go north when a storm clobbers us?  Bite me!”



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