Once again a certain U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by You-Know-Who and his band of far right Republican toadies again because they believe that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.
Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Right insists) signed up the living dead. Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote.
The Trumpites fear that zombies tend to be non-racial and being largely oppressed and a minority themselves would tend to vote Democratic. Because they are cannibalistic, zombies tend not to differentiate between people of different races as all are equally edible. In fact, many zombies prefer the darker meats. Democrats say that it doesn’t matter because most zombies don’t have enough thinking matter themselves to distinguish between parties. Some leftists even insist that they more often choose Republican because that is a common trait of their voters anyway.
Interviewing zombies to get to the bottom of what happened may prove difficult due to they’re being largely inarticulate. Many cannot say anything beyond the standard “AAAARGGHH!”. There is also the problem of the interviewer often being devoured by the zombie before the end of the interview. For instance one interviewer was found in his office lying on the ground with his brains missing. Police believe this could be due to a zombie attack or because being brainless is a condition affecting many interviewers anyway.
Confounding it further is the fact that in some parts of the country it is hard to distinguish the living from the dead. Parts of LA are so Goth that morticians themselves have a hard time discerning. In some neighborhoods of New York City the difference between the living and the dead is very hard to determine. Republicans themselves often have a hard time distinguishing the dead from the still living in their party.
To prevent this happening again in the future all voters will be required to show an ID and take a blood test to see if they even have any blood. If that doesn’t work there are plenty of armed rednecks around the voting poll areas who would like nothing better than sending the living dead back to being the definitely dead by clubbing them to a pulp from which there would be no returning no matter how great of zombies they are.
There is also a great fear among staunch, right wing addicts that these same zombies have developed a taste for their gun-totin’, mealy mouthed, Dictator lovin’ type of meat because they have a certain type of well fermented, basked in beer type of flavor that goes well with fava beans. Can’t shoot a gun if a crazed zombie has chewed off yer trigger finger!
On a similar note Trump’s aides are keeping an eye on their feckless leader as he has been drooling a lot lately, his speech is become even more primitive, parts of his body have been falling off and he devoured Melania whole during sex.
This is a great article even if I do say so myself……….which is what I guess I am doing………