Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/29/22

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoftis for.  And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule:  barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.  So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:


Hundreds of millions of dollars drained from FTX overnight in ‘unauthorized’ transfers

Or, as it’s now known “Ain’tWorthS***Coin.”

Trump-backed Arizona election loser Kari Lake cries “BS” over results

Kari Lake uses a filter for every part of her face, but her mouth…

20% of alcoholics are high functioning

Big damn deal. 100% of pot smokers are functioning high.

Biden granddaughter gets married in White House ceremony

Her dad, Hunter Biden, gave her away, while, Joe Biden probably wants to give away Hunter.

Women stopped from entering amusement parks in Afghan capital

So, they didn’t get to ride “It’s a Third World After All.”

Elon Musk says ‘I have too much work on my plate’

… and then fired the plate.

Kohl’s CEO, Michelle Gas, steps down to take president role at Levi Strauss

So, retail is in her jeans.

Study reveals worldwide decline in sperm counts

Nick Cannon: Hold my lab work.

A photographer aimed his camera at a surfer. A shark photobombed him

So, that’s what my agent’s been up to!

Mike Pence reverses course, spurns Jan. 6 committee questions

What’s the difference between Mike Pence and his book? His book has a spine.

Dodgers cut 2019 NL MVP Cody Bellinger

Appropriately, Bellinger’s striking out on his own.

79-year-old author is breaking the taboo around senior sex

Apparently, 79 is the new 69.

Gisele was just seen on a date with her jiu-jitsu instructor 2 weeks after her divorce from Tom

I’m shocked, Pete Davidson knows jiu-jitsu?

Gen Z stops Red Wave in mid-term elections

… So, Gen Z beat Cra Z …

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