Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about COVID on a cruise ship, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
R.I.P Betty White. Television icon dead at 99
Personally, I’m blaming LEGO for Betty White’s passing. Clearly, they left her nothing to live for.
2022 New Year’s revelers say “goodbye” to a year of conflicts, curfews, Covid, celebrity deaths
I can’t be the only one who found themselves singing “Auld Ang Xiety.”
Delta Variant: Covid on steroids
Omicron: Hold my Ivermectin.
Alex Jones suffered ‘burning to his eyes’ after his wife hit him with shampoo bottle
The shampoo was probably ‘Gee, Your Hair Smells Seditious.’
Ghislaine Maxwell has been found GUILTY in sex trafficking trial
… Which makes her the oldest woman ever screwed by Jeffrey Epstein.
Ozzy Osbourne is betting fans will be hungry for his new NFTs
Or, as Ozzy put it: ‘Thasfer docghas nudfg.’
Rep. Madison Cawthorne is getting divorced after 8 months of marriage
I guess I missed the Bible fine print on the early return policies for Earthen Vessels.
Canada has officially banned LGBTQ+ conversion therapy
CDC investigating 86 cruise ships with COVID-19 cases
Bringing new meaning to cabin fever.
Louisiana Judge Michelle Odinet says she was on a sedative and doesn’t remember saying the “N” word over and over again”
Where’d she get that sedative? The pharmacy at KKKMart?
Man punches a cougar in the head to save his dog from a vicious attack
Why Madonna was attacking his dog is still unknown.
California pot companies warn of impending industry collapse
… Not to mention the collapse of the nacho industry.
Israel rolls out 4th COVID vaccine dose to over-60s
Former VP Mike Pence declines to commit to cooperating with Jan. 6 select committee
He probably considers it old noose …