Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about “The Power of the Dog,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Jeff Zucker resigns from CNN after relationship with top executive
Welp, looks like the only guy who can keep his hands to himself at CNN is Jeffrey Tobin.
Groundhog Day 2022 predictions: Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, predicts 6 more weeks of winter
On a related note, if Ted Cruz saw his shadow that means six more weeks in Cancun.
Tom Brady is retiring
The deflated balls on that guy!
Spotify stock down 25% as artists leave platform
On the upside, no one at Spotify is going to get worms.
Adam Corolla says no one would take AOC seriously if she looked like a middle aged, unattractive woman
He has a point, Adam looks like a middle aged, unattractive woman and nobody takes him seriously.
Massive brawl breaks out at Golden Corral buffet
…. Must have been over the key to the bathroom.
Stella McCartney has designed Minnie Mouse’s very first pantsuit
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if it was a ‘Minnie skirt?’
Rudy Giuliani’s appearance on ‘The Masked Singer’ sparks a strong reaction
Personally, I think the DOJ should hire the producers of ‘The Masked Singers’ because they had no trouble booking Rudy Giuliani.
Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland, and Tobey Maguire bonded over peeing in the Spider-Man suit
… I can’t be only one impressed they all fit in the suit at the same time!
Mitch McConnell said African-Americans voters are voting at just as high a percentage as Americans
The only thing missing was him ending the statement with ‘damn it.’
John Mulaney’s hosting SNL
Look for him to then run off with Pete Davidson.
Aaron Rodgers doesn’t know if he’ll be back with Packers
With all that Ivermectin look for him on Colts or Broncos.
Whoopi Goldberg suspended from ‘The View’ for Holocaust remarks
So, Whoopie gets a two-week suspension for saying the Holocaust wasn’t about race, while if you say the Civil War wasn’t about race you got a shot at being Governor of Texas.
Rep. Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend testified before a grand jury in federal sex-trafficking investigation, report says
… damn, and on a school day…
These are ESPECIALLY funny. “Minnie skirt” is perfect, and “no trouble booking Rudy Giuliani” is inspired. Wow!
Wow! Woke up to these comments, think I’m going back to sleep, the day can’t get much better. Thank you!!!!!!!