Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoftis for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Mexico City residents angered by influx of Americans speaking English, gentrifying area
Hey, Mexico, should’ve built that wall when you had the chance.
R. Kelly found guilty… again
Dude, may believe he can fly all he wants, but that’s only gonna happen with an ankle bracelet and judge’s order!
Why Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s kids can now hold Prince and Princess titles
Mostly, to piss off Piers Morgan …
Greg Abbott shipped approx. 100 humans – mostly from Venezuela – on two buses to DC and had them dropped off outside the home of VP Kamala Harris
I’m shocked, shocked he was able to find Kamala Harris.
Gisele Bündchen tweets support for Tom Brady amid rumors of rift
Calm down, people, like if they divorced any of us would have a shot …
Kangaroo attacks and kills man, blocking paramedics from saving life
… Bringing new meaning to the term ‘hopping mad.’
Controversy over Disney’s casting a black ‘Little Mermaid’
The original ‘Little Mermaid’ was green and talked to a flounder. If that ain’t fishy …
Former FBI official says Russian, Chinese, and Iranian spies could have tried to infiltrate Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence
Coulda? Good chance, and they got a discount on 2-for-1 coupons at the breakfast buffet.
Russian energy exec has died after he fell off his yacht near Vladivostok
You’d think by now Russians would get the gravity of the situation …
Green Bay Packers suffer another lopsided season-opening loss, falling at Minnesota Vikings 23-7
Aaron Rodgers must be back on the Ivermectin because he sure got a whole bunch of horseshit beat out of him.
Mike Lindell: Feds seized my cellphone at Hardee’s
Or, as it will now be known, Hardee Har Hars.
Cardi B credits onions for restoring her hair back to health
… and a way to keep stalkers the hell away.
Norway euthanizes Freya — the walrus that drew crowds
Or, as a warning to John Bolton? You decide!
Prince Harry & Prince William are reportedly struggling with Camilla’s new Queen title
… I guess since Cruella was already taken…