WASHINGTON, D.C. The Environmental Protection Agency announced Friday that it will use an ancient technique to fight the modern threat of global warming, sacrificing virgins to appease natural forces that science can neither control nor fully understand.
“If you order it medium rare, the center will be fully red and warm.”
“We simply don’t have the technology or the political will to do something rational,” said EPA spokesman Robert Barrett, “so we’re going to drop back ten and punt.” Republican lawmakers, who believe that global warming has become a secular religion with similarities to a death cult, were persuaded to support the plan as a faith-based approach to delivery of social services.
“This is going to hurt you more than it does me.”
Scientists agree that the earth’s temperature increased during the past decade, but don’t concur on the cause. World-wide temperatures have risen in past eras, such as the Middle Ages, when there was no burning of fossil fuels, the factor most widely cited as the cause of global warming. “That was the result of dragon flatulence,” said Meyer Greenwald, a professor of environmental studes at Shimer College.
“Who cut the cheese?”
Democratic lawmakers initially objected to the EPA’s strategy, saying the burden of the proposal would fall disproportionately on young women, so the agency modified the plan to include male virgins. Amalia Brody, an anthropologist at Millard Fillmore University, notes that the inclusion of males will make America the first society in the history of the world where young men are sacrificed to the gods on an equal basis with women. “The stigma of male virginity declined after the movie ‘The 40-Year Old Virgin’,” she said. “Suddenly you saw a lot of guys passing up sex and saying ‘We’ve had a lovely evening, let’s not spoil it now.’”
Recruiting poster
Environmental groups attacked the plan, saying that the most commonly-used method of sacrifice–burning–would only raise the earth’s temperature. “That’s not true at the two extremes of the political spectrum,” McClellan noted. “Both tattooed health food store types and Young Republicans wear clean-burning natural fibers. It’s only middle-of-the-road voters who wear synthetic fibers like polyester that generate greenhouse gases.”
This model isn’t predicting anything.
Scientific models predict that if current warming trends continue the polar ice caps will melt and the levels of the earth’s oceans will rise, but supermodels such as Karlie Kloss decline to predict any particular outcome. “Your question is boring,” she said in an email, “I am already too hot for you.”
She don’t look like no virgin………
Seems to me there’s a shortage of those to begin with.