Half-Assed

It’s not something I deliberately set out to do, but it seems like I half-ass everything these days.

Optimists see the glass as half full. Pessimists see the glass as half empty. I see the glass as half-assed.

When other people turn their lives around, it’s called a 180. With me, it’s a 90.

I don’t make U-turns, I make J-turns.

I don’t get high, I get medium-high.

When I make a mixed drink, I just use the alcohol.

I prefer the panned and scanned versions of widescreen movies.

My ideal body temperature is 49.3.

By the way, are there any actual people who have just half an ass? Do they get 50 percent off on air travel?

This piece was going to be longer, but I half-assed it.