SPARKS BRIEF: Classified Happy Meals

Palm Beach, FL – As part of the FBI and Dept. of Justice probe into missing classified documents, it was discovered that Mar-a-Lago’s Club Restaurant added box lunches to its menu in 2022.

Helena Rubenschmaltz, a club member of Trump’s resort stated, “They were like big Happy Meals that came with a top-secret document.”

“I ordered the People’s Republic of Chinese Chicken Salad and received a big white box with a sandwich and classified information about China’s nuclear capabilities,” Rubenschmaltz told investigators.

According to waitstaff at the restaurant, they were told to promote the box lunch specials to all patrons. “We were advised to tell the diners to take the complimentary box home with them,” reported Guadalupe Maria Josefina Violeta Smith.

FBI agent, Hoover Hammersmyth, said that Trump was trying to move boxes through the resort’s food service.

Photos of boxes stored all over the Palm Beach resort were included in the federal indictment released on June 9.

“We seized one box next to Trump’s bed that was filled with ketchup packets and a letter from Ronald McDonald with the secret sauce recipe,” Hammersymth told a reporter for the New York Times.

Nikolai Kraft, Esquire, the Russian salad dressing tycoon, took a box home to his penthouse apartment in Manhattan’s Trump Tower. “I ordered the Putin Puttanesca which came on a bed of documents naming CIA assets in Moscow.”

When questioned about the disposition of the files, Kraft replied, “I might have sent a copy to my cousin Vladimir but you didn’t hear it from me.”

The multi-millionaire has been detained for further questioning at the Manhattan Men’s Detention center. “I hope someone will toss my salad, while I’m here,” he said.

The FBI found copies of the discontinued lunch menu in a paper shredder. Pieced back together, other box lunches included Ayatollah Khomeini Kabobs, Kim Jong Kimchi and Zelensky Zucchini Bread.

Former First Lady, Melania, was questioned about her knowledge of the boxes containing classified documents. “I know nothing about boxes. I only know about crate. Like one I shipped in from Slovenia,” she said.

Operation Classified Cuisine continues and investigators hope to locate additional documents before more classified information is leaked. “Espionage party of two, you’re cell is ready.”

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