San Francisco, CA – Each year everyone receives the same platitude— “Happy Birthday!” As with all humans on the planet, we’ve taken a trip through the birth canal. We’re yanked into a harsh world feeling cold, limp and definitely uncoordinated. There are no gifts or a cake with candles.
The event is our physical ‘Birthday Day.’ All years following are just the anniversaries of the day we were born. We’re never truly born again. Unless, of course, we donate to Johnny Hallelujah’s Ministry of Mother Mary Bejesus, Son of God, Who saved Mary Magdalene from Prostitution and Hang Out with Seven Apostles, Baptist Church and Theme Park. Then spiritually you’re born again. You’ll also receive a lifetime pass to the Escape from Sodom and Gomorrah Water Slide.
If you’re not into religion, it’s now possible to reexperience your first birthday. The Welcoming Womb Rebirth Center, in San Francisco, just opened its doors ten centimeters.
Jovan Musk, Elon’s sister, is the CEO and creator of the Center. Cutting edge technology creates the closest experience to the actual birth process for anyone who’s not a fetus.
“No-one recalls their birth. But, with our ground-breaking new ‘Happy Rebirth Day’ procedure, adults are able to relive their first hours free of the umbilical cord. A team of dedicated scientists, former Disney Imagineers and a freelancing gynecologist developed our exclusive interactive event.” Musk said.
The cost of ‘Happy Rebirth Day’ depends on the length of your mother’s labor and whether it was natural, cesarean or you were plopped out into the back of a taxi. According to Musk the median cost is $75k. You’re also able to purchase an at home package for a discounted rate.
Susie Spock, Director of the Rebirth Center, outlined the birth process for adults. “After you’ve met with a trained consultant and selected a preferred labor and delivery, you’ll enter the center five days prior to your rebirth day,” she explained.
“With access to the Musk Maternity Machine, you choose to be naked or placed in a prenatal thong designed by Louis Vuitton. Then you’re suspended in your own personal amniotic sac.” (You can select fragranced amniotic fluid from a wide variety of scents, e.g., Breaking Floral Waters, Warm Vanilla Womb, Peachy Placenta and Preemie Pumpkin Spice).
Spock went on to explain, “In the fetal position, you’ll receive selected pureed delicacies through a feeding tube. The Womb with a View menu is prepared by famous chefs. You’ll wear headphones which create the sounds of being in the womb.”
According to literature from the center and previous clients, you’re aware of your parents fighting over crib assembly, swollen ankles, money and a mother-in-law who thinks she’s Mary Poppins. Repeatedly, you’ll hear your mom say, “I’m nine months pregnant. Keep that thing away from me.”
“To aid in the free-floating, fetal feeling we administer psilocybin (magic mushrooms) to our newly, unborn clients,” Spock said.
Members of the American Biologists Opposed to Rebirth Tech (ABORT) have protested Musk’s trip into the womb. “Giving naked adults suspended in a liquid sac, psychedelic drugs is a dangerous.” Danny Darwin, Spokesperson for ABORT told a Congressional Select Committee investigating ‘Adult Babies in a Bag.’
Florence Paris Alexandria Marriott testified that for four days she thought she was trapped inside her Hermes handbag. “It was a terrifying experience. I couldn’t move because my Ferrari keys were wrapped around my legs. I was forced to suck on a stale mint I dug from the bottom of the purse,” she sobbed.
Musk stated that as soon as they were alerted to distress in Womb #3, the dosage of drugs was modified and Marriott settled into normal prebirth status. Marriott’s delivery was normal and she went home in a Versace onesie.
Marriott reports that the Rebirth has left her mentally scarred. She’s now in Accessories After the Fact Therapy with famed psychologist Francis Ford Freud.
Spock adamantly defends the process. “We have trained Contraction Consultants who massage the sac as the labor protocol is initiated. They attach the Dyson Vacuum birth canal for easy delivery. Giant animatronic hands grasp the adult newborn and smack them around for a few minutes. The miracle of rebirth is unimaginable unless you’ve been through it.”
Cheyenne Cody Crocket, billionaire Wyoming rancher, swears it was the best experience he’s ever had. “Being pulled through a huge rubber vajajay was far more exhilarating than lassoing my first wife or branding my first ranch hand. I plan to do it again after I wrestle the current Miss Wyoming in a giant vat of pork and beans.
Controversary grows over the prices and procedures of the Welcoming Womb Rebirth Center. Not every client is a happy one. Penny Partum told Congressional Committee members she was cheated out of $10k when she purchased the At Home Rebirth Kit. “I was advised I’d receive the same rebirth experience as if I was onsite at the center. This was terrible false advertising.”
“I paid $250 for the delivery of a huge crate which contained a large Hefty bag (the amniotic sac), a slip and slide (the birth canal), a jar of Vaseline, a box of pampers and a pacifier,” Partum said.
“The instructions were for me to shove myself into the plastic bag and have a family member dunk me in the bathtub. I was advised to ask a loved one to feed me strained peas and carrots through a turkey baster twice a day. For my official rebirth, my chosen labor facilitator should spread out the slip and slide, preferably on a staircase, coat it with Vaseline and push me out of the Hefty bag.”
Partum testified, “Right after my delivery, I was rushed to Urgent Care. As I picked up speed heading down the birth canal, I exited out my patio slider and through the wall of my neighbor’s garage. Later, I was arrested for indecent exposure and destruction of property. My neighbors weren’t impressed it was my birthday celebration.”
Lawsuits have been filed against Musk’s Rebirth Centers. They are under investigation for fraud, bribery, medical malpractice and diaper rash. ABORT will continue to fight for the closure of the center. Musk says they will fight the bogus claims against them.
“The experience of our satisfied clients far outweighs a few disgruntled individuals.” Musk said.
“The Rebirth Center is a labor of love. We offer everyone with an Amex Black Card the experience of a lifetime. All other detractors are just after birth,” Spock told reporters.
An unidentified source just released a waiting list of rebirth clients. The list includes many Washington politicians and celebrities. First on the list is Mitch McConnell. “He’s an easy client since he’s already in diapers,” the source reported.
Chris Christie is currently last on the list due to the center’s current technology. The source advised us, “Womb workers are busy trying to develop a birth canal big enough for large clients. Rubber can only stretch so far. Right now, we’re looking at an opening the size of the Fort Lee onramp to the George Washington Bridge. It’s where the rubber meets the road. If we don’t figure it out chubby fetuses will be backed-up for miles.”
Won’t being reborn mean that there will be two of me?