My Academy Awards Acceptance Speech

Thank you!

Just so you know, I was totally expecting this. And what a thrill to have the lovely Michelle Yeoh present this Oscar to me. Michelle, back in the day, my fantasy was for you and Jackie Chan to make a Christopher sandwich. And maybe we can make that happen now.

I wanna thank God, and just to be on the safe side, I wanna thank Jehovah, Buddha, Muhammed, and the Devil, too. ALL HAIL SWEET SATAN! And for those of you who are atheists, I’d like to thank NOBODY!

This movie couldn’t have happened without a great script, and A.I. Chatbot, you really knocked it out of the park. I can’t go anywhere now without complete strangers yelling the movie’s catch phrase “WE’RE ALL F#$%ED!” at me. I’m talking grownups, kids, priests…

I’d like to thank Martin Scorsese and Steven Spielberg for signing on to co-direct during preproduction. Gentlemen, I’d like to apologize for having you fired from the movie, but you have to admit my buddy from high school did a much better job than you guys would have.

I’m happy to see Will Smith back at the Academy Awards ceremony, along with his bitch whore wife. Just kidding, Will! Somebody hold him back!!

Oh! And a shoutout to my fellow nominees. Denzel, you’re the greatest, but I’m just a little bit greater than you are. Better luck next year! Ellen Page, I fell in love with you back when you starred in JUNO, and I have to say you’ve grown up to be a fine young man. What? Oh, sorry. Elliot.

Tom Hanks, life is like a box of chocolates, buddy, you never know what you’re gonna get. But I knew I was gonna get THIS baby tonight!

And Robert DeNiro. What can I say? Robert. Bobby. (pause) What? Oh, sorry. MISTER DeNiro. Please don’t hurt me.

Thanks again, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Mr. Trump, you’re doing an amazing job hosting this thing. I’ll see most of you at the big afterparty, where I plan to make out with Jennifer Lawrence AND Meryl Streep!

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